Tuesday, January 23, 2007


I joined a ladies Bible study. I know I already said that, but how do I know who knows? Well, the book is really good but the study itself is not too hmmm, creative? They just read the book, parts that is, and read the Scripture, every single one, and that's it. Discussion is minimal. I can read it myself without a ladies group. The study part is the workbook, but again they just go over the answers together. I don't need to go over them. I did them. They're done.

The old lady next to me tooted. Twice. Luckily, I was a good three to four feet away from her because I pulled my chair away from the table because I don't like to sit too close to people. Can't she hold it in like a normal person or like maybe go to the bathroom or sumpthin. Yuk. I can excuse one accident but not two. And she wasn't too friendly before that. I asked her to take me off the mailing list because we'll be leaving in a month or so and she was rather dismissive.

There's one little gal who looks about 14. Sweet girl and for some reason she always says hi to me. It's highly nice of her to bother to say hi to cranky old Lil. My Bible fell closed and she reopened it for me once. I thought it was so sweet. Remember 14? It was so long ago.

But at the end of each meeting we women get in a circle. The Bible study leader, I don't know how she got her name because it's a bit of a funny name, passes around a vial of oil. It smells nice, herbal, and we each put a dot on our one hand by touching the bottle to our palm, then rub both hands together. Huge community sharing of bacteria and viruses, snot, saliva, bodily fluids and whatever people did before the meeting but I try not to go there. We always tend to smell our hands because the fragrance of the annointing oil is so nice, then we all hold hands and pray together. The leader starts, and when she's done she squeezes the hand of the woman next to her. This is your sign to pray out loud, or, if you choose not to, squeeze the hand of the lady on your other side and the opportunity to pray aloud is passed on. Thus it goes around the circle. It is powerful. The believing is so thick through the air you could cut it with a knife. It's really something to be in it. It's the best part of the meeting. I said a real short prayer for our neighbors. I don't know how to explain it, but when you are with a group of similarly believing people it fills up your heart and your mind and the room and you feel as if you might burst wide open with the spirit. The Holy Spirit. It makes you believe you can do what you have to do. It's incredible. The thing is, I know it was all here before I was a part of it. I know I talked to Christians but I was not a part of it. I neither wanted to be in it, nor was it open to me. It was not open because I did not want. But it was there. Am I talking in a circle? Well, what I'm saying is I scoffed. I think I made an error with scoffing so long and I missed so much! Being here, on the inside now, is great. I love it. Meeting others who are believers is like an instant connection. There is one thing that bothers me a small bit though. I'm not sure of exactly when I was saved. Everyone seems to know the exact moment, time, place of when they were saved. I don't. Can it seep in? Or maybe it's not in me and I'm completely deluded. Or maybe the enemy (that means the devil or Satan or whatever you wanna call the bad stuff) is trying to convince me that I am not really saved despite the fact that I am. Usually I'm very sure I am saved, but sometimes I worry that I'm not. Dang, I'm such an uptight person. Maybe I'll just explode inside out one day.

Another lady, I didn't catch her name, said she wanted to get to know me. Hmmm, usually I shine 'em on because I figure people are just being cordial, but I sensed sincerity. And I have a very finely tuned sensor you know. We chatted a bit about kids. A lady was having a birthday so there was cake and coffee and goodies afterwards but I slipped out the door and went home. I don't do that sort of thing.

It's dark right now, but I'll get out my favorite verse from tonight and type it here tomorrow. I'll see if it seems as good to me tomorrow as it does today. It was from Exodus I think.