Sunday, October 31, 2010


I cooked an omelet this morning. Well, almost noon I cooked an omelet. It might have been actually afternoon. And I burnt it but I still ate it. It's the principle of the thing. My husband was talking trash about me while I was still in bed saying I don't eat a good breakfast. I heard him! He always, and I mean always, cooks breakfast for our son. I can't eat so early in the morn. I just can't. I've tried. I can't. I had Lucky Charms yesterday morning, and I heard our son say, "Mamma ate Lucky Charms yesterday," like I had committed some evil deed.

They were talking stuff about me so I got up and made myself an omelet directly! I decided on an omelet because I made a few when I was 18. I was on an omelet kick for awhile back then. I don't know why, but I remember it like yesterday, cooking omelets.

My husband was on the sofa while I stood over a hot stove cooking my breakfast in silence. And he said, "You heard us talking about you, didn't you?" I told him, in my high, unconcerned voice, no. Then I knew what was coming next. "How long have I been telling you, you need to eat a good breakfast." Twenty-seven years, I said, not counting the year we lived together, or the six months we dated. And he came over and gave me a hug. He waited till I would look at him and he looked into my eyes and said, "You are what you are, and I love you."

Mmmm. Okay. I felt somewhat better then.

I'm going to ask him to cook up some cheese blintzes for us later this week. They're a lot better than the toasty omelet I ate.

Wednesday, October 27, 2010

29 and 17

Yesterday I had 17 students. Same as last Tuesday. Last week, Thursday, I had 29 students. I tried not to think about all the eyes depending on me for steps while I danced the routines! The Lord has richly blessed my Zumba venture. I wonder if 29 will ever happen again. Think I'm going to move my Saturday class from the small studio to the larger venue.

Today my husband went with me and looked at the sound system and he figured out how to connect my boom box to it! Now I can play the music from my iPod and the sound will come from their two huge speakers. Ooooh la la! Sounded great. Loud. I like it loud. I can stop and start the music easily and I don't have to step on a chair then onto the stage, then walk into the sound room. That was quite lame. I've been having to set up my music so it's ready to start and then when 5:30pm hits I'd have to step on the chair, pull myself up on the stage, run round a corner to press "Play" and then come back out, carefully yet quickly step down on the chair so I don't break my neck, then get in front of class to begin. One less thing to be anxious about now. Thank you, thank you.

And I added some scary sounds in between tracks just for fun for Halloween. I got the intro to Jaws, a door creaking, a guy screaming "Help me!" and a couple others. I hope they find it amusing. I wanted to do a routine to "Ghostbusters" and I downloaded it from iTunes, but I couldn't think of good choreography fast enough.

I have small tummy ache for some reason.

I realized last night that for the first time in 13 years I'll have my own money to buy a Christmas present for my husband. What will I get him? I have no idea. Now that I think of it, I can never afford the things he wants. Hmmmm. He gets me everything I want but I only get him little things. Wonder why he stays with me.

We watched on tv last night the story of the Chilean miners being saved. Incredible. Husband and I were using up the tissues! What a story. It was Plan B, a company from Tennessee, that made it to the miners. Incredible. The Chilean government asked the world for help. Obama should have done the same during the BP oil spill rather than spurning international assistance so that only the American union members could work on it. The environment will be paying for that decision for a long time to come. I am looking forward to Tuesday. Someday, I hope ObamaCare will be repealed. Pelosi said, "Let's pass this bill so we can see what's in it." What? And now not one Democrat in the country is running on the "accomplishments" of this administration. Course, the health care is only for us peons. The Congress people get their own health care. They made sure that was in the bill. ObamaCare is so good then why won't they use it for themselves. Word.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

I'm so accomplished

The bug man came yesterday. I made the bed and everything. We have seven pillows on the bed and they all match. I'm very proud of that. It's gold. The color is gold. Half the time, okay, three-fourths of the time, I leave the white comforter on the bed all day because what if one of us takes a nap? If it's already messed up and has the white comforter then it's all ready to sleep in. I take off the gold comforter and pillows each night and set them on the floor. So they stay nice don't cha know.

Husband said, "So did you make the bed for the bug man?" Yes, I did. I certainly did.

And I beamed with pride from the inside out when the bug man said, "I don't recognize the place." Indeed. I have scrubbed the wall behind the stove. We bought a new stove. I scrubbed the floor completely, and then the edges and floorboards all around the kitchen with a toothbrush and bleach. I cleaned the candy off the bedroom floor that looked like red wax. I vacuumed all the dust and hair from anywhere. It couldn't hide from me. Grime. I can't have it. I don't want it. I'm averse to housework, but fond of the result.

So I pretended I didn't really hear the bug man because I didn't want to appear too prideful, but I heard him. And I felt very good.

Here comes tomorrow

I got up to eat some graham crackers and milk. Since I've starting teaching Zumba classes I can eat absolutely anything I want.

I'm looking forward to class tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to class tomorrow. I look forward to dancing, yes. But tomorrow I have to announce that no toddlers or children are allowed in class. Two mamas brought their little ones to class last Tuesday. It's just not going to work. It's not good. My insurance doesn't cover that kind of liability and neither does the youth center. I hope I don't offend anyone and make any bad blood but I must do what I must do. I will feel bad if I lose the two mums because I understand that it's a challenge getting childcare. Actually, I'm going to try to tell the mums each personally, but I'll see how it feels and I'm prepared to announce it if necessary. I'm going to make a 8.5" x 11" sign too. On bright colored cardstock. One that no one will read. Man, I need a front man really bad so that I can just dance. Bah.

Half an hour before class I set up the music at the roller rink Tuesday to use their music system. Tested it out. Set it on pause so all I had to do was run in and hit "play." About ten minutes before class the electricity man came and turned on the air for us which was very, very nice, but when I was ready to start class I went to turn on the music and he must have hit a breaker that turned off everything in the little music room except the light bulb. Geez Louise. Help me. Help me!

So I used my boom box. I always take it now no matter what because I had sound system problems at the gym once. I learn quick. Good thing.

I put up a sign asking folks to sign liability form before entering and no one read it. Haha! Help, help! So at end of class I asked people to be sure to fill one out and seven people brought me forms. I had 17 in the class. Biggest so far since I started my fresh start. When I reach 22 which is one more than the most I had at the gym when I quit, then I will feel accomplished.

I pray that I'm sowing good seeds.

Son finished writing a memoir for eighth grade composition. He wrote about Winston and the fair. I think he produced a pretty good piece. It took a week and a half and should have taken a week, but I try to disregard time. Education is a marathon, not a race.

There was a quilting class I wanted to go to. I found out about it at the fair, but they meet at 9:30am. I got out of bed at 9:25am, so it didn't work out for me. Again. I'll try next week. No big rush I guess. I started the quilt three years ago.

Monday, October 18, 2010

My floor

Tomorrow the bug man is coming to spray. I vacuumed the house and cleaned the kitchen floor. I can't believe I just blogged that.

I practiced a new routine. I would have it almost done except that since I'm facing the class on Tues/Thursdays I need to start on my left side so they will start on their right. It's got me all discombobulated. I was going to type "discombooberated" until I realized it's not a word. I've always said discombooberated and now I look it up and see I've been saying it wrong. Good thing I'm not a talking head on television. I like Mary Katharine Ham very much. I think she's a real beauty and well spoken to boot. She writes for the Weekly Standard and she's on O'Reilly sometimes.

On Saturdays I face the mirror so I can start with my right and the class does too. Oy vey. I wish I could just do it one way all the time. This is going to be a little challenging. Some teachers flip back and forth. Last week I had to stop and tie my shoe. . . even doing that I lost my place.

I made a sign. "Please fill out liability form before entering." I hope it will help.

Last Thursday someone brought their toddler. He wasn't a problem, but a sign on the front door says this is not a babysitting service. If I get two or more bring their babies this could become a problem. Oy vey.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

Week-end over

The week-end is over and I didn't get done what I should have gotten done. I don't like record-keeping.

I'm working on making a Zumba blog! People can go to it and see what our playlist is and, hmmm, I don't know what else to put on it yet but I'll think of something.

I let my Wordpress blog go. When it got the virus it was a drag. Rather discouraging. I don't spend the time in web design that I used to. I find Blogger so easy to use. Why do on my own what Blogger does for free. My homeschooling for preschool site got an infection and they deleted it. Bluehost emailed me and I had to call them and they told me where the evil html was, but I am not compelled to keep it up. So I told them not to renew my domain names or web space. Never thought it would come to that but interests change. We move on with time.

The week-end was good. I want to do it over again. Husband watched football. How can he watch so much football?

I did Skype with my sister! It works really well with our fast (as in normal) DSL. Sweet. We had to stop though because her husband was in bed and she was afraid she'd wake him. We both have cell yell really bad. Here were are, both right in front of our computers, yelling. I don't know why I feel like she can't hear me. We're kind of dorky I guess.

Two girls rode by on their horses and Bella starting running! Wow, she looked incredible. I didn't know she had it in her. Her tail was high, she pranced and ran and bobbed her head. It was a sight to see. Husband was in the living room. I was in the study. We heard her kick up the dirt and thought a dog was bothering her or something. We ran to the livingroom window and stood watching in awe.

Friday, October 15, 2010

My blog, my blog

Oh how I've missed my blog. I love my blog. I get a lot of comfort from my blog. I like thinking about my blog. I've wondered today what do I have to blog about.

Cecilio died. No one could believe it. He was only 55 and it was not expected. He was only four years older than I. Cecilio worked for the city and he had horses and chickens and ducks and turkeys and lambs and colts and a goat. He delivered hay. It was his work after work. It was his own business. He was a good man and I liked him very much. He always shook my hand and sometimes hugged me too. He was handsome to my eyes. He had 12 siblings. To his sister, he donated one of his kidneys. She passed on some years ago. Now he is gone too. I think he's the second of all the children to go. I went by his house today and looked at the horses and animals and wept. The place is so empty. For years he lived there and never, never locked the front door. It would be wide open. Today, closed and locked.

He always said, "Don't ever be afraid of anyone or any thing." I cry for his grandson because Cecilio was very dedicated to him. He's only eight. Tragic. My heart hurts for Leah. She's all alone now and she inherited nothing. I had been meaning to ask her why they weren't married. It's her life, their life, and I just hadn't worked up the nerve but she probably wouldn't mind at all if I asked.

They were at the hospital and Cecilio was getting, I think, a heart procedure. I don't have all the details. There are heart problems in the family but none had before been detected in Cecilio. He told Leah he was thirsty. She said, "I can't give you any water because you're having surgery." He grabbed her and said, "Leah! I love you!" She said, "I love you too." Then he said, "I'm going to die." She said, "No you're not." And he died. How did he know so surely? What did he feel? How did he know?

I think of him when I'm outside with Bella and he never drives by the gravel road anymore and never waves. I waved to him a couple weeks before he passed on. I tried to keep Bella always well groomed so he would see her looking good when he drove by and I hoped he would tell Leah so. We wanted to have Leah and he over for dinner because they've both been so generous with their time with our son. Leah looks worn and she's broken. She goes to work still. I don't know how she does, but she does. She became a new grandmother a week after Cecilio died.

Our sweet Winston is gone. Son entered him in the fair and we knew he would be sold. Son went to give him a kiss and he was gone. The packers picked him up at about 1:00pm and we thought it would be after 3:00pm. I miss that pig. He was a wonderful pig. The saddest thing is that his last week, his ending time on earth, had to be so unpleasant. He was used to being loved by a boy and walked and having free run of the acre here. At the fair he was in a pen and could only go on a short walk. He was the most popular pig and our son's friends gathered round his pen and admired him and petted him. But he ate less every day. It's a sorry thing being city people in 4-H and loving a farm animal. Why did God make pigs so sweet and cute. But it is ranch life. Pigs don't contemplate death as we do. And he had a terrific life while he was here. He was a blessed pig. We were blessed to have him. Son has learned a lot about raising an animal. It's been good for him. Next April he's getting a piglet to do it all over again. The new piglet will have a good life here too.

In New Mexico there are no Hormel kind of places. We didn't want him to go to a slaughter house. He didn't. Someone local bought him. They'll fatten him up on their property for awhile then he'll be slaughtered. He won't be with a thousand pigs where they might have bad people abuse him. It'll be quick. They will shoot him. I had to know. I had to ask. All these ranch people at the fair, used to the ranch life. And here's me in my sunglasses, tears streaming down my cheeks because of a 275 pound hog.

Zumba has improved tremendously. I've made a fresh start. I quit the gym. I suppose they don't think much of me. I called Tuesday and said I cannot teach on Wednesday night and I cannot teach anymore ever. I thought my back was really messed up. I had lower back pain and it radiated down my left leg. I was so worried. They did a fine job telling everyone I quit. I quit my Zumba membership and paid a penalty. Thought I was toast. Yet I felt improved by Saturday. . . and so I went to the studio in case someone might show up but I was the only one there. It was okay. I danced the hour with myself and felt lost and blue.

Maybe the class grew too fast. I was a nervous wreck. I've since realized that perfection in Zumba is overrated. So I teach a 60 minute class and make a few mis-steps for 15 seconds. Goodness sakes. Well, I've learned to smile big about it and move on.

Also, I realize now that I didn't feel like a part of the gym. I heard that they were even turning people away because the room was filled. No one from the gym ever told me. I heard it from a friend of a friend after I quit. I realize now they gave me photo copies of the liability waivers and the sign-in sheet and kept originals themselves. That's not right. I am glad I left. Now, instead of $10 for a class I earn my own money. I've earned as much as $70 at a time now and after I advertise next week I expect the class to grow. I need it. I'm in debt with starting up the Zumba. I've signed up for the Basic 2 class on October 23rd! Yippee!

After I taught my Thursday night class I felt well and I knew I was over the hump. My husband said I'm my own worst enemy. I am, I know it. I tortured myself additionally thinking why am I doing this. Why can't I stop (the stomach ache and sleeplessness). I'm supposed to be transformed by the Word of God and here I sit, the same, the same. The same as I've always been. Even when I worked the previous Saturday at the studio and made a bit of money - it meant nothing. All the kindness and nice words from the students who loved the class lifted my spirit not one whit. Odd that you can attain a dream and it feels like emptiness. Probably I think it was perimenopause. It was my natural nervousness. Fear of the unknown. Fear of people not liking my class. Fear of having to face the gym owner and ask for a raise and not being happy with the mister room they added. Worrying about forgetting my routine in front of everyone. Fear about keeping proper business records. Of making sure people fill out the waiver. It's all alotta fear.

I added two new routines and I think everyone likes them. One is "Let Me Think About It" which is choreographed by the Hickory Girls and one is a calypso from Zumba. Quite fun! I'm in the best shape evah! The other night Leslie went home after class drenched with sweat and told everyone that Liliana whipped her. Haha! Funny grrrrl. I have young women in my class and they leave sweaty and tired. One girl handed me a damp $10 bill and I looked perplexed and she told me it was from her back pocket and her butt (her word) was all sweaty. Haha! It is good to be feeling better. Like my dad said, it's supposed to be fun. I step in the bathroom to comb my hair and see my face in the mirror or my heart beats fast for a minute because a worry breaks into my mind and I run Cecilio's words over in my mind to remind myself, "Don't ever be afraid of anyone or any thing."

Saturday, October 09, 2010


I walk all over the entire house, through every room, searching every table and drawer for my reading glasses. I look down and here they are tucked in my shirt.