Friday, November 07, 2014

I'm looking forward to church!

And it's Friday.  Yay!  We may go to Cruces tomorrow.  I haven't decided.

I sent my sister on a recon mission.  That's how she put it.  Haha!  She's doing an exceedingly good job.  Such a good job, in fact, that I realize the yoga classes I'm attending in Cruces are a dud.  My teachers haven't done anything that hers have.  I need to take a class somewhere else, but unfortunately anyplace else will entail a long drive.

Today we prayed right after work from 5pm to 6pm.  It went well, but I find myself feeling bad because being a leader makes me nervous and worried.  The first two worship songs we did, I played too loud.  I read Exodus 1, chapters 1 and 2, and to 3:6 out loud from The Message.  I think it may have been too long.  For Kathy and Mayela and I it would not be too long, but because we had two other women I felt it was too long.  I worried about what they were thinking while I was reading.  Well, live and learn.  You can't figure out what works best unless you do something.  If I do nothing I will learn nothing and not get any better.

And we wrote prayers on our new prayer wall!  It's about 10' high and 12' long.  We included dates so we can write when our prayers are answered too.  That part went well I think.  I think they liked doing it.  And when it's all filled up we'll take it down, fold it up, and burn it so the smoke will go to heaven.  We certainly can't put them in the trash.  Over the past week we've put writing paper on one wall, a sparkly blue border, and a title which is scripture from Exodus 3:5.  I think everyone like it.  I ran over there when it was time to write our prayers down and they all laughed.  Haha!  We all laughed.

The last two songs went perfectly.  I didn't play them too loud, and the lyrics were just right.  For closing we sang "You Never Let Go" by Matt Redman, and also an Aaronic blessing I found on YouTube that's very beautiful.  I plan to memorize it this week, in the English of course, so I can use it in praying for people.

I didn't ask to be our prayer group leader, but three of them I notice have called me the leader.  Makes me nervous just to think of it right now.  Gives me that bad feeling in my chest.  But I'm going to put one foot in front of the other and do the best I can, even if it's not perfect.  Alas, I'm a Moses - slow of speech and slow of tongue.

I'm so tired.  I prepared so much, every night of the week, but when I knew it was more than just the three of us, my energy got wide and unfocused and I worried about whether any thing and every thing was the right thing.  I over studied actually.  I don't do that when I'm learning just for myself.  Usually there's a laser beam on what I want to learn.  Maybe, I ought to pretend I'm studying just for myself.  Or, really study just for me, then share it with them.  Uh oh, my head is getting too tight! 

But the Holy Spirit was present tonight while we prayed and that's the most important thing.  I don't know when I became so able to pray out loud.  When did that happen exactly?  I don't know.

Among other things, we all have in common the desire to grow spiritually.  I hope I will be worthy of such a mission, that is, to give us focus.  We will each help the other grow spiritually.  That's what I think.  Because each woman has her strengths and weaknesses.  Together our strengths are compounded and together our weaknesses will be turned into strength. I have so much to draw from from my own prayer group.  I have been the one blessed. I have learned the most from them.

Monday, November 03, 2014

I wrote that check for Sunday and I feel better!

Tonight it occurred to me that maybe I can make one post to store unhappy things in.  Mainly, things my father says.  Instead of keeping them in my heart where they ruin my mind and make me weepy and distressed, I will write them here and leave them sit.  And they can just rot on the internet and not in my brain.

11/3/14 Tonight he said, "What will he do if his younger brother (talking about my eldest) takes in more than he does?"  I said "Mmm hmmm (because nothing came to my mind except a question mark and I didn't know where he was going with such a remark).  Then he said, "You know how it feels."  Implying that my younger sister earns far more than I do, so okay, he already knew what he had in mind with that remark.  And I said, "Dad, I am happy.  I am content!  I have all that I need and much of what I want."  He said, "Oh, well you must have gotten that from me."  Um, what?

He said something about the Lord.  He was gently mocking me for my faith.

He told me I need to go get a shot for shingles and go get it done soon.  I said, "I can't promise anything."  Which is true.  I am not getting a shingles shot.  He kind of snickered like I'm an idiot.  I looked it up and the CDC has no recommendation for people age 50-59 and suggests it for age 60 and over. I'm 55. 

In September he said, "Ann says that people who don't have money don't deserve money."  I have no idea what his point was.  He said when he is gone everything goes to Ann.  I said, "I didn't expect anything, after all she is much younger than you."

I will store these here so in the future when I miss him and cry because I want him to love me, I can instead remember the weekly call which he ends with a sweet "Love you" after he cr*ps all over me.  I never use the word "cr*p" but I thought I'd try writing it because it fits.  I don't think I'll write it again.  It makes me feel worse.

Update 11/4/14:  Husband reminded me today that last week my dad was lamenting and blaming himself for how "he raised me wrong".  But we say I turned out fine!  My husband loves me.  And my sons love me.  I love them so much.  It's all that I need. And I remind myself I'm a child of God!  I am in Christ, and I am a new creation.

11/7/14 -  Referred to my college degree and asked me what have I done with it.

2/16 -  Have considered deleting this entire post.  He said I'm a bad mother. Then I told him I will not listen to him say hateful things about other members of the family and that I'm not going to listen to him using the 'f' word when calling his wife foul names.  So he said he feels like he can't talk to me.  Well, hallelujah!  Who needs all this negativity and unhappiness?  Not me. 

1/6/18 - Almost two years later.  I realize this entry deserves an update. Looking back, I see now that our dad was suffering from dementia probably for several years. In fact, it's clear to me as I reread this, that the entire blog entry supports that contention. My dad had a rough side that, like my mom, I never could bear up under. Since I was a child, he often just didn't know what to do with me. He wanted a daughter who fit in well, who was sociable, neither of which I ever fulfilled. Many people like the old adage "I'm the black sheep of the family." But I ain't no black sheep. The Lord says, "I lay my life down for the sheep." That means allll the sheep! Scripture doesn't specify black sheep, or white sheep, or tie-dyed sheep.  Terrible things happen in all families because people are broken, imperfect. Should we love each other less? No. We should love each other more. It doesn't mean that there aren't consequences to our actions. There are always consequences to our actions. But, glory to God. There is grace. Grace. Through the grace of God we don't have to suffer the consequences of our sin for eternity. But we do suffer the consequences here on earth. But I see now that I know my dad loved me and I know I loved him. 

I think there may be more to this. So many people my age are dealing with aging parents and nature the whole relationship mucks things up, stirs things up, in the human heart. Some of it good, some of it not. I think there's more here to be said - but I have arrived to this point just this afternoon. God is so good. We serve a great and mighty God.
I'm going to return to tithing.  Next Sunday I will tithe.  I will write the check today because that's another problem - I conveniently forget to write a check and my husband told me to stop giving cash.  Every time the plate comes by I feel horrible.

I used to put my cash in the basket and my husband would say why don't you have any money?  And, well, I had no defense.

I will take half the money from my Zumba money and half from my paycheck.  It think that way, I'm tithing less from our bank account where my husband sees it.  It's a fine plan.

Gotta pray for some forgiveness because I wanted to use my personal money for Zumba shoes and Zumba-wear and things for myself.  My classes have been small (no $100 nights since last April) and I was too tight-hearted to give to the Lord.  I am shameful.  I'm just plain old selfish and vain.

Sunday, November 02, 2014

We're getting rain tonight and it's fantastic.  Some thunder.  And now lightning.  I love thunder and lightning. 

I sat and talked with my pastor for a few minutes after church this morning and he was really talkative and he answered my two questions about prayer.  I think he may have enjoyed talking with me a bit too.  I hope so.  I didn't feel at all like I was bothering him.  I like him and his wife, Karen, very much. 

Went shopping last week-end and got a new knee length sweater, beige, from Old Navy.  Bought a sweater that'll go nice with leggings or jeans, and two cotton, long sleeved, tops.  I got two new pairs of high top shoes for Zumba.  One pair is red and pink and they're my favorite now.

Which reminds me.  I haven't been tithing.  I've felt so guilty for stopping.  It bothers my husband a little (my tithing) and I want him to be happy and I'm worried that if I tithe, he'll go get a job.  I don't feel good about it.  I need to do something about it because the devil likes you to compromise.  That's how he works.   I'm compromising.  I realized it during sermon this morn.

My friends and I are meeting for prayer on Fridays from 5-6pm.  It's been wonderful and fruitful.  We have had three other women come to pray with us.  I think at our next meeting we'll focus on prayer for pastors and churches.  We covered one whole wall at my friend's house with paper, added a border, gonna add a title this week, and we plan to write prayer requests on it and answers to prayer so we'll have a record of our prayers.  The title I chose for the wall comes from Exodus 3:5.  It's " are standing on holy ground."  It's not that the ground you're on is actually holy in and of itself, but it's the presence of God that makes it holy.  It was so for Moses as he stood in the presence of God in the burning bush and it's so when we're in Mayela's house praying.

I have a little headache.  But I feel happy too. 

Tomorrow is a work day.