Wednesday, January 07, 2009


Our neighbor is leaving tomorrow and she left a small gift for us to give to the ranger. It's incense. I can tell. It smells like a head shop in here.

Homeschooling went ever so well. He's writing. Praise the Lord. He's writing and writing and writing!

I searched a bunch of songs tonight. My peeps are tired now. I like "Healing Rain." I didn't buy it. Yet. I might still. I don't know.

Dance went so well. I didn't feel like going, but as usual I felt better after I did. I led warm-up. It's the first time I ever got paid. Wow. Go me. It was just a little, but I'm happy. I did my recitation for my teacher at the end of class before we went home. I had to look at my paper twice, but doing it today made me do it better tonight. Selena said I sounded good. She said she could feel the spirit of the Lord in my voice. I don't know if I believe her. I never believe compliments. But I'm inspired to put the finishing touches on my memorization because of what she said. It's a good five or six minutes long. Go me! I was thinking to myself, deciding whether to deliver it with a quiet voice or belt it out. I think I'm going to continue with the belt it out attitude. And besides, at certain points I get a little excited. Good thing no one is next to me or they might get punched out. It's exhilarating. Selena asked me if I'm doing it for church and I said, nope, just for me and my family. And she said, oh no, you have to do that somewhere. You have to find a place to do it in front of people.

And I saw my previous ballet teacher, the one who never returned my dozen phone calls. At first I gave her the cold shoulder, but I realized I'm a, what?, a Christian in real life, so I have to not take offense. So. I squeezed out a painful smile at her. She asked me how I was. Fiiiine, I said. Then I waited until she was alone and finished talking with my belly dance teacher and I walked up and said to her, "How come you never returned any of my calls?" She said she was sorry and that it was because of her divorce. She's the one was married 32 years and her husband left her for another woman last year. He didn't leave nicely either. Well, between me and you, methinks she's had plenty of time to call ifns she wanted. Consequently I felt immensely stupid because obviously there was no friendship where I thought one existed. On the other hand, people in distress do sometimes react by pushing relationships away. It's kind of like punishing thyself inadvertently. Well, my life is way too short to spend on fake friendships. If it ain't there fine, I just want to know it. She asked for my phone number and she asked me to write it in her notebook. She may have been sincere, or may not have been. Only she knows. She apologized about six times, she hugged me twice and one was an unusually long, still, hug. She just stood with her arms around me. I'm terrible at reading human feelings so I don't know if she was hugging me for me because I'm a pathetic paying, yet prospective, ex-student, or for her cause she was regretful in the moment. I had told her I felt bad that she never called me and that I was afraid my message must have been stupid and that's why she didn't call. I was so happy to be back in town I phoned her and said, "It's me! Your favorite older ballet student!" When she never called back I worried she really thought I considered myself her favorite. Also, I saw her daughter at the video store last week and her daughter never returned my emails. Well, to be fair she returned the first one quite thoughtfully, but not the second one. She's a young 20, so I excuse her on the grounds of humongous, gigantic, age-related immaturity. I could tell that her daughter had spoken about my hair to her coworker behind the counter because I overhead them talking about hair. I asked her a question about movies, she knew exactly what movie I wanted, and we really didn't acknowledge one another. Then on my way out, yeesh, our eyes locked. I know she was thinking that she never wrote back to me. Anyhoo. My ballet teacher hasn't been teaching adults at all so I haven't actually missed any classes. She's having trouble finding a studio that's acceptable and affordable in this little town. The only studio is all eastern/yoga/polytheistic and she won't teach there. She's a Jehovah Witness. I was one once too. I concede, their family is in rubbles and not communicating with an ex-student is not a top priority on the check-off list of surviving this life, so I, as of this moment, release it into the universe and I hold and harbour no more ill will or hurt feelings over it. I told her call me if she ever wants to have lunch together, but I think chances of that are nil. I couldn't be any kind of help to her anyways. All I can do well is listen. Big deal. Should I break this big old hurt into paragraphs to make it a little easier on the eyes? No. I'm not going back over it!

Welp, I'm glad that's off my chest.

Sunday is the big game! Actually, I kinda think the Chargers will lose to the Steelers. If they win I will come back and delete this. Hahahaha! Hey, there's a name for that - a fair weather fan.

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