Tuesday, July 13, 2010

In-between chapters

I am not really liking this chapter. It's not even an actual chapter. I don't know what it is. Perhaps it's a chapter I'll tear out and forget. I love living in a trailer and traveling. I do not love living in a trailer and staying in one place. But life is what you make it. We'll see what I can do about it.

There is a thing that occurred that lifted me up mightily. I so wanted a drink last week. Ahhh yesss. Just a bit of wine with my steak or a shot of Crown Royale (that be a fine whiskey). Such a craving it was. I gave up drinking last year, not that drinking was ever a thing of great appeal to me, but I indulged regularly thinking it helped me sleep.  I admit I do like the benefit that abstinence affords - that of being above reproach.

I deflected the desire to have a drink.  Sunday came.  I enjoyed the feeling of overcoming fleshly desire for a bit of booze, the hair of the dog as they say.  I raised my hands in praise to the God I love and sang with the congregation about how this is my offering, me, since it's all I really have to give back to the Lord. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpRAOS_rv7w

It gets better too.  Monday was the board meeting on which I am a new member.  It's a faith based organization that provides funds to the needy.  We have to vote on who does and doesn't receive funding.  Do I like it?  I do not like it.  I am not made, not built, for decision-making.  I'm just not.  I had to give my vote on two cases over the phone.  I voted opposite to Helen on one of them.  Helen, who has a soft and big heart.  I hesitated to give my vote at first.  I asked her if can I call her back about it.  Truth is, I was gonna ask my husband what I should do.  Helen, she cracked me up.  She knew what I was thinking.  She said, "I'll put you down for a 'no.'" Haha!  Indeed.  It was what my heart was saying but I never know when to listen to my own heart.

Which is precisely why I need to do this job with the heart of God.  I cannot do it myself.  I am not made for it.   My heart is not a big as Helen's.  She drops at the sight of a 19 year old pregnant unmarried girl asking for help.  It's not that I don't feel pity for the girl.  I feel it for the unborn child much more.  But as I see it, it's my responsibility to follow the rules without error.  Guidelines are great, but what are the rules for dispensing with the government funding.  Do I say gut feeling guided me?  I don't think I can do that with a clear conscience.  My gut feeling.  It's ain't worth much.

So as I voted over the phone, I had other compartments of my brain working simultaneously. I remembered the newest definition I have for "disciple."  I used to define it as "a learner."  Now I define it as a "disciplined follower."  Do I wanna be Christian or do I wanna be just Christianish?  I thought of my walk with Christ and my choice last week not to tip the glass (it would have only bit one second of my time to take a quick drink), and wow, it's like an outside expression of my inside self, of the Christ within me.  This decision and my future decisions, which now potentially touches the lives of others, will be of God, not only of me.

My outside self and my inside self are in sync.  It's good.

Husband just got home!  He brought good news.  We're moving animals today.  We have to eat and go right away!

1 comment:

SchnauzerMom said...

I'm glad that you were able to resist taking a drink. I never developed a taste for alcohol because I have so many alcoholics in my family and I didn't want to become one of them.