Omelet

I cooked an omelet this morning. Well, almost noon I cooked an omelet. It might have been actually afternoon. And I burnt it but I still ate it. It's the principle of the thing. My husband was talking trash about me while I was still in bed saying I don't eat a good breakfast. I heard him! He always, and I mean always, cooks breakfast for our son. I can't eat so early in the morn. I just can't. I've tried. I can't. I had Lucky Charms yesterday morning, and I heard our son say, "Mamma ate Lucky Charms yesterday," like I had committed some evil deed.

They were talking stuff about me so I got up and made myself an omelet directly! I decided on an omelet because I made a few when I was 18. I was on an omelet kick for awhile back then. I don't know why, but I remember it like yesterday, cooking omelets.

My husband was on the sofa while I stood over a hot stove cooking my breakfast in silence. And he said, "You heard us talking about you, didn't you?" I told him, in my high, unconcerned voice, no. Then I knew what was coming next. "How long have I been telling you, you need to eat a good breakfast." Twenty-seven years, I said, not counting the year we lived together, or the six months we dated. And he came over and gave me a hug. He waited till I would look at him and he looked into my eyes and said, "You are what you are, and I love you."

Mmmm. Okay. I felt somewhat better then.

I'm going to ask him to cook up some cheese blintzes for us later this week. They're a lot better than the toasty omelet I ate.

29 and 17

Yesterday I had 17 students. Same as last Tuesday. Last week, Thursday, I had 29 students. I tried not to think about all the eyes depending on me for steps while I danced the routines! The Lord has richly blessed my Zumba venture. I wonder if 29 will ever happen again. Think I'm going to move my Saturday class from the small studio to the larger venue.

Today my husband went with me and looked at the sound system and he figured out how to connect my boom box to it! Now I can play the music from my iPod and the sound will come from their two huge speakers. Ooooh la la! Sounded great. Loud. I like it loud. I can stop and start the music easily and I don't have to step on a chair then onto the stage, then walk into the sound room. That was quite lame. I've been having to set up my music so it's ready to start and then when 5:30pm hits I'd have to step on the chair, pull myself up on the stage, run round a corner to press "Play" and then come back out, carefully yet quickly step down on the chair so I don't break my neck, then get in front of class to begin. One less thing to be anxious about now. Thank you, thank you.

And I added some scary sounds in between tracks just for fun for Halloween. I got the intro to Jaws, a door creaking, a guy screaming "Help me!" and a couple others. I hope they find it amusing. I wanted to do a routine to "Ghostbusters" and I downloaded it from iTunes, but I couldn't think of good choreography fast enough.

I have small tummy ache for some reason.

I realized last night that for the first time in 13 years I'll have my own money to buy a Christmas present for my husband. What will I get him? I have no idea. Now that I think of it, I can never afford the things he wants. Hmmmm. He gets me everything I want but I only get him little things. Wonder why he stays with me.

We watched on tv last night the story of the Chilean miners being saved. Incredible. Husband and I were using up the tissues! What a story. It was Plan B, a company from Tennessee, that made it to the miners. Incredible. The Chilean government asked the world for help. Obama should have done the same during the BP oil spill rather than spurning international assistance so that only the American union members could work on it. The environment will be paying for that decision for a long time to come. I am looking forward to Tuesday. Someday, I hope ObamaCare will be repealed. Pelosi said, "Let's pass this bill so we can see what's in it." What? And now not one Democrat in the country is running on the "accomplishments" of this administration. Course, the health care is only for us peons. The Congress people get their own health care. They made sure that was in the bill. ObamaCare is so good then why won't they use it for themselves. Word.

I'm so accomplished

The bug man came yesterday. I made the bed and everything. We have seven pillows on the bed and they all match. I'm very proud of that. It's gold. The color is gold. Half the time, okay, three-fourths of the time, I leave the white comforter on the bed all day because what if one of us takes a nap? If it's already messed up and has the white comforter then it's all ready to sleep in. I take off the gold comforter and pillows each night and set them on the floor. So they stay nice don't cha know.

Husband said, "So did you make the bed for the bug man?" Yes, I did. I certainly did.

And I beamed with pride from the inside out when the bug man said, "I don't recognize the place." Indeed. I have scrubbed the wall behind the stove. We bought a new stove. I scrubbed the floor completely, and then the edges and floorboards all around the kitchen with a toothbrush and bleach. I cleaned the candy off the bedroom floor that looked like red wax. I vacuumed all the dust and hair from anywhere. It couldn't hide from me. Grime. I can't have it. I don't want it. I'm averse to housework, but fond of the result.

So I pretended I didn't really hear the bug man because I didn't want to appear too prideful, but I heard him. And I felt very good.

Here comes tomorrow

I got up to eat some graham crackers and milk. Since I've starting teaching Zumba classes I can eat absolutely anything I want.

I'm looking forward to class tomorrow and I'm not looking forward to class tomorrow. I look forward to dancing, yes. But tomorrow I have to announce that no toddlers or children are allowed in class. Two mamas brought their little ones to class last Tuesday. It's just not going to work. It's not good. My insurance doesn't cover that kind of liability and neither does the youth center. I hope I don't offend anyone and make any bad blood but I must do what I must do. I will feel bad if I lose the two mums because I understand that it's a challenge getting childcare. Actually, I'm going to try to tell the mums each personally, but I'll see how it feels and I'm prepared to announce it if necessary. I'm going to make a 8.5" x 11" sign too. On bright colored cardstock. One that no one will read. Man, I need a front man really bad so that I can just dance. Bah.

Half an hour before class I set up the music at the roller rink Tuesday to use their music system. Tested it out. Set it on pause so all I had to do was run in and hit "play." About ten minutes before class the electricity man came and turned on the air for us which was very, very nice, but when I was ready to start class I went to turn on the music and he must have hit a breaker that turned off everything in the little music room except the light bulb. Geez Louise. Help me. Help me!

So I used my boom box. I always take it now no matter what because I had sound system problems at the gym once. I learn quick. Good thing.

I put up a sign asking folks to sign liability form before entering and no one read it. Haha! Help, help! So at end of class I asked people to be sure to fill one out and seven people brought me forms. I had 17 in the class. Biggest so far since I started my fresh start. When I reach 22 which is one more than the most I had at the gym when I quit, then I will feel accomplished.

I pray that I'm sowing good seeds.

Son finished writing a memoir for eighth grade composition. He wrote about Winston and the fair. I think he produced a pretty good piece. It took a week and a half and should have taken a week, but I try to disregard time. Education is a marathon, not a race.

There was a quilting class I wanted to go to. I found out about it at the fair, but they meet at 9:30am. I got out of bed at 9:25am, so it didn't work out for me. Again. I'll try next week. No big rush I guess. I started the quilt three years ago.

My floor

Tomorrow the bug man is coming to spray. I vacuumed the house and cleaned the kitchen floor. I can't believe I just blogged that.

I practiced a new routine. I would have it almost done except that since I'm facing the class on Tues/Thursdays I need to start on my left side so they will start on their right. It's got me all discombobulated. I was going to type "discombooberated" until I realized it's not a word. I've always said discombooberated and now I look it up and see I've been saying it wrong. Good thing I'm not a talking head on television. I like Mary Katharine Ham very much. I think she's a real beauty and well spoken to boot. She writes for the Weekly Standard and she's on O'Reilly sometimes.

On Saturdays I face the mirror so I can start with my right and the class does too. Oy vey. I wish I could just do it one way all the time. This is going to be a little challenging. Some teachers flip back and forth. Last week I had to stop and tie my shoe. . . even doing that I lost my place.

I made a sign. "Please fill out liability form before entering." I hope it will help.

Last Thursday someone brought their toddler. He wasn't a problem, but a sign on the front door says this is not a babysitting service. If I get two or more bring their babies this could become a problem. Oy vey.

Week-end over

The week-end is over and I didn't get done what I should have gotten done. I don't like record-keeping.

I'm working on making a Zumba blog! People can go to it and see what our playlist is and, hmmm, I don't know what else to put on it yet but I'll think of something.

I let my Wordpress blog go. When it got the virus it was a drag. Rather discouraging. I don't spend the time in web design that I used to. I find Blogger so easy to use. Why do on my own what Blogger does for free. My homeschooling for preschool site got an infection and they deleted it. Bluehost emailed me and I had to call them and they told me where the evil html was, but I am not compelled to keep it up. So I told them not to renew my domain names or web space. Never thought it would come to that but interests change. We move on with time.

The week-end was good. I want to do it over again. Husband watched football. How can he watch so much football?

I did Skype with my sister! It works really well with our fast (as in normal) DSL. Sweet. We had to stop though because her husband was in bed and she was afraid she'd wake him. We both have cell yell really bad. Here were are, both right in front of our computers, yelling. I don't know why I feel like she can't hear me. We're kind of dorky I guess.

Two girls rode by on their horses and Bella starting running! Wow, she looked incredible. I didn't know she had it in her. Her tail was high, she pranced and ran and bobbed her head. It was a sight to see. Husband was in the living room. I was in the study. We heard her kick up the dirt and thought a dog was bothering her or something. We ran to the livingroom window and stood watching in awe.

My blog, my blog

Oh how I've missed my blog. I love my blog. I get a lot of comfort from my blog. I like thinking about my blog. I've wondered today what do I have to blog about.

****************

Cecilio died. No one could believe it. He was only 55 and it was not expected. He was only four years older than I. Cecilio worked for the city and he had horses and chickens and ducks and turkeys and lambs and colts and a goat. He delivered hay. It was his work after work. It was his own business. He was a good man and I liked him very much. He always shook my hand and sometimes hugged me too. He was handsome to my eyes. He had 12 siblings. To his sister, he donated one of his kidneys. She passed on some years ago. Now he is gone too. I think he's the second of all the children to go. I went by his house today and looked at the horses and animals and wept. The place is so empty. For years he lived there and never, never locked the front door. It would be wide open. Today, closed and locked.

He always said, "Don't ever be afraid of anyone or any thing." I cry for his grandson because Cecilio was very dedicated to him. He's only eight. Tragic. My heart hurts for Leah. She's all alone now and she inherited nothing. I had been meaning to ask her why they weren't married. It's her life, their life, and I just hadn't worked up the nerve but she probably wouldn't mind at all if I asked.

They were at the hospital and Cecilio was getting, I think, a heart procedure. I don't have all the details. There are heart problems in the family but none had before been detected in Cecilio. He told Leah he was thirsty. She said, "I can't give you any water because you're having surgery." He grabbed her and said, "Leah! I love you!" She said, "I love you too." Then he said, "I'm going to die." She said, "No you're not." And he died. How did he know so surely? What did he feel? How did he know?

I think of him when I'm outside with Bella and he never drives by the gravel road anymore and never waves. I waved to him a couple weeks before he passed on. I tried to keep Bella always well groomed so he would see her looking good when he drove by and I hoped he would tell Leah so. We wanted to have Leah and he over for dinner because they've both been so generous with their time with our son. Leah looks worn and she's broken. She goes to work still. I don't know how she does, but she does. She became a new grandmother a week after Cecilio died.

Our sweet Winston is gone. Son entered him in the fair and we knew he would be sold. Son went to give him a kiss and he was gone. The packers picked him up at about 1:00pm and we thought it would be after 3:00pm. I miss that pig. He was a wonderful pig. The saddest thing is that his last week, his ending time on earth, had to be so unpleasant. He was used to being loved by a boy and walked and having free run of the acre here. At the fair he was in a pen and could only go on a short walk. He was the most popular pig and our son's friends gathered round his pen and admired him and petted him. But he ate less every day. It's a sorry thing being city people in 4-H and loving a farm animal. Why did God make pigs so sweet and cute. But it is ranch life. Pigs don't contemplate death as we do. And he had a terrific life while he was here. He was a blessed pig. We were blessed to have him. Son has learned a lot about raising an animal. It's been good for him. Next April he's getting a piglet to do it all over again. The new piglet will have a good life here too.

In New Mexico there are no Hormel kind of places. We didn't want him to go to a slaughter house. He didn't. Someone local bought him. They'll fatten him up on their property for awhile then he'll be slaughtered. He won't be with a thousand pigs where they might have bad people abuse him. It'll be quick. They will shoot him. I had to know. I had to ask. All these ranch people at the fair, used to the ranch life. And here's me in my sunglasses, tears streaming down my cheeks because of a 275 pound hog.

Zumba has improved tremendously. I've made a fresh start. I quit the gym. I suppose they don't think much of me. I called Tuesday and said I cannot teach on Wednesday night and I cannot teach anymore ever. I thought my back was really messed up. I had lower back pain and it radiated down my left leg. I was so worried. They did a fine job telling everyone I quit. I quit my Zumba membership and paid a penalty. Thought I was toast. Yet I felt improved by Saturday. . . and so I went to the studio in case someone might show up but I was the only one there. It was okay. I danced the hour with myself and felt lost and blue.

Maybe the class grew too fast. I was a nervous wreck. I've since realized that perfection in Zumba is overrated. So I teach a 60 minute class and make a few mis-steps for 15 seconds. Goodness sakes. Well, I've learned to smile big about it and move on.

Also, I realize now that I didn't feel like a part of the gym. I heard that they were even turning people away because the room was filled. No one from the gym ever told me. I heard it from a friend of a friend after I quit. I realize now they gave me photo copies of the liability waivers and the sign-in sheet and kept originals themselves. That's not right. I am glad I left. Now, instead of $10 for a class I earn my own money. I've earned as much as $70 at a time now and after I advertise next week I expect the class to grow. I need it. I'm in debt with starting up the Zumba. I've signed up for the Basic 2 class on October 23rd! Yippee!

After I taught my Thursday night class I felt well and I knew I was over the hump. My husband said I'm my own worst enemy. I am, I know it. I tortured myself additionally thinking why am I doing this. Why can't I stop (the stomach ache and sleeplessness). I'm supposed to be transformed by the Word of God and here I sit, the same, the same. The same as I've always been. Even when I worked the previous Saturday at the studio and made a bit of money - it meant nothing. All the kindness and nice words from the students who loved the class lifted my spirit not one whit. Odd that you can attain a dream and it feels like emptiness. Probably I think it was perimenopause. It was my natural nervousness. Fear of the unknown. Fear of people not liking my class. Fear of having to face the gym owner and ask for a raise and not being happy with the mister room they added. Worrying about forgetting my routine in front of everyone. Fear about keeping proper business records. Of making sure people fill out the waiver. It's all alotta fear.

I added two new routines and I think everyone likes them. One is "Let Me Think About It" which is choreographed by the Hickory Girls and one is a calypso from Zumba. Quite fun! I'm in the best shape evah! The other night Leslie went home after class drenched with sweat and told everyone that Liliana whipped her. Haha! Funny grrrrl. I have young women in my class and they leave sweaty and tired. One girl handed me a damp $10 bill and I looked perplexed and she told me it was from her back pocket and her butt (her word) was all sweaty. Haha! It is good to be feeling better. Like my dad said, it's supposed to be fun. I step in the bathroom to comb my hair and see my face in the mirror or my heart beats fast for a minute because a worry breaks into my mind and I run Cecilio's words over in my mind to remind myself, "Don't ever be afraid of anyone or any thing."

Hhmph

I walk all over the entire house, through every room, searching every table and drawer for my reading glasses. I look down and here they are tucked in my shirt.

Blog break

Will come back when I'm feeling better.

Sunday

I plan to do absolutely nothing today. Except for folding some laundry. That's something. Maybe cook dinner. That's something too.

My back feels a little better so I think I'm relieved it's nothing serious. Still need to wait a couple days for that determination, but I'm thinking it was only sore muscles now. I can't bend over very well still.

Another girl in town is going to get a Zumba license.

I wish my stomach would be normal. I'm tired of feeling high strung all day and not being able to sleep.

I'm not happy at the gym. I only earn $10 an hour and I don't think it's very fair. There were 21 in my class last Wednesday. I thought ten bucks was fine when I thought no one would come, but I've advertised and now word-of-mouth is working for me and they like the class. It's a lot of practice and time devoted to Zumba to get only $10. And they have a new room they want me to use. It has open air and misters and the truth is I don't like the room. I get too wet and I think my shoes slipped a little. I'm afraid I might slip and fall. I like the regular air conditioned room better.

In contrast, at the smaller studio I had ten students and earned $50. I flubbed up and felt embarrassed, but oh it happens. Can't take myself too seriously (I tell myself). In a song I know upside down and inside out, I lost my place for about 16 counts. Small torture.

Maybe when the other girl teaches she can teach in the misty room.

Went riding last night and my lower back is killing me. Taught a Zumba class with achy back. I did it. I flubbed up one part, but I did it. I'm tummy-achy, back-achy, angsty, head-achy. I don't know why I'm doing anything.

Saturday night

Thought I made a clean break from the treasurership. Keyword, thought. Two board members said they'd take over and so that changed everything and I needed to fill out the grant paperwork to apply for next year's funds. I have not the foggiest notion how to start. I looked at all the figures and the questions - and I had no idea what to do.

So I emailed Helen and told her I hate being treasurer. Not too professional of me. I should have couched it in more mature language. Anyway, she offered to trade jobs with me (just to add to my misery because then I had to say no twice) and I could be secretary and take the minutes. I can't. I told her no. Haven't heard back, but I'm sure she's semi-devastated that I'm not the person she thought I was. Not to whine, but the two hour a month volunteer job was more like ten and that's ten hours of pulling my hair out mostly. I hate volunteer work. Why am I half a century old and still unable to say no. Technically, I've improved tremendously at saying no, but to Helen I said yes. I like Helen. I suppose that's the end of that now. Plus I have to write a letter of resignation and give it to my pastor since he heads up the non-profit group. That's just great. Now every time I see my pastor I get to feel bad. His wife and his daughter, and Helen, are movers and shakers. I'm not. I fix my life so I don't need meds and what do I do? Stick my face right into a situation, self-inflicted. It makes me hate everyone and not want to go to church. I'm already stretched tight trying to be a Zumba instructor.

Zumba today was good. Seven people but three were late and someone didn't pay me because I was short $5. Bummer. I slept poorly last night thinking of being "the bad volunteer", then woke with a stomach ache because of it. As if I need another reason besides Zumba to get all tied into knots. But after class several people thanked me and it was so nice. In San Diego the teachers arrived, led class, and left. No chatting. One teacher that I talked to was picking up her bag and leaving like she had no time to talk and all I asked for was the name of a song she played. I try to chat and be a good listener and inspire my class to exercise. It's really rewarding when people come in uptight and leave happy - like they've accomplished something - which they have. I appreciate that it requires planning and effort just to show up for class, especially on Saturday when most folks are doing errands that can't get done during the week. I want everyone to have a nice time. I want our class to have a warm, inclusive, supportive environment. I desire to accomplish that.

Bella is thin. I don't know why. We're a little concerned. We're going to feed her more hay and see if it helps. Her diarrhea is gone. She's calm. She never pins her ears back when I groom her so nothing hurts. I'm not sure what could be wrong. I've had a person say she's overweight which I find laughable and others who say at her age she's supposed to be a little "ribby", but she's too ribby in my estimation.

I heard from one of my students that the gym said they could open another Zumba class. Hmmm. No one has mentioned it to me yet. I sure wish they would sweeten the pot a little and offer something more than $10 an hour. I desire to take the Zumbatomic workshop and get licensed to teach children age 4-12. It looks like great fun and it's so good for the kids. Click here to go to YouTube to see the absolutely cutest little boys doing Zumbatomics.

Zumba was great

For this little town, great is to have 18 people in Zumba class. Wow. The energy was so fun. And I didn't get as sick with anxiety before class. Maybe it'll start to fade now. I would not mind at all. Suddenly today I feel like practicing and learning new routines. My desire was getting all crushed and spit on by the evil anxiety. It made me not want to dance and that's highly unusual for me. I just couldn't drag myself into practicing at all for the past three weeks and before that I practiced day and night. Night practice was in my dreams.

There was one new person tonight. All the others are returnees. Well, check this out. She said her doctor told her to get to a Zumba class. I said, "Whaaat?" And she pulled out a prescription from her purse and there on it I read the word "Zumba." No way? Way! Way cool. Zumba - it's doctor recommended.

After the hip-hop Christian song, "Boomin'" by Toby Mac everyone clapped. They liked it! I do it exactly like the vid except with no push-ups. I love the boot camp move down to the floor and up. I had three men in class tonight. I'm going to pay special attention to pick routines that are not too girly.

Kathryn, I got the jimmy finger this morning and accidentally deleted your nice comment from yesterday where you were commiserating with me about volunteering. My fingers were still asleep and I don't know how they did it.

An unexpected reprieve

Two months ago I became the treasurer for a small 501(c)3 agency. At tonight's meeting they passed a painful decision that since the new president (who came on board the same time I did) is moving and no one is available to take her place, the organization will close its doors. It's really a shame because it's funding the community needs and Helen worked her heart out five years ago getting it started and keeping it going. It was truly a labor of love on her part. I remember when she had books and binders and papers and notes about how to start this organization piled up all over her house. She was driven. She did a superb job.

But I stink as a treasurer! I was really bad at it. One thing I forgot to do was get a bank statement. Did ja know you're supposed to have a bank statement from the bank? I kinda forgot. To get one. I balanced the checkbook against my Quicken program and when those two figures came out the same I patted myself on the back and counted it as a job well done. ...I used to manage a million dollar budget 15 years ago when I was a Commmunity Development Block Grant Administrator. I guess I got dumb. I dunno what happened.

I am utterly relieved I don't have to be a treasurer anymore. I'm free! My shoulders feel so much better. I don't have to stress about it anymore - after the remaining funds are spent. I count it as a lesson. I will never volunteer for anything like this again.

I hate volunteering. It always turns out badly.

Small scream

I got on the scale this morning. We have one of those scales like at the doctor's office. Son asked for it for Christmas when he was about five years old. Homeschooled kids ask sometimes for unusual gifts. It was in storage the last five and half years while we traveled.

So I got on it and I weigh 114. Egads. That's too low. I weighed 107 when I met my husband in 1984. I weighed 124 when doing belly dance. My jeans are falling off my hips. Oh dear. It's the Zumba. As of today I'm increasing my calorie intake. I don't wanna be too thin. I still have my shape but husband said my legs are too thin. I think he means my thighs. I've had some trouble eating but I'm going to try very hard to not have a stomach ache and to eat more every time I eat. And snack. I'll start snacking at night. That should help. I hope. If only I could do an automatic weight transfer from some of my students to me! I hate having to think of weight.

In my closet

A baby gecko was by my tennis shoe in the closet today. He was quick and cute. Son caught him in a glass and put him outside.

Life with a vengeance

Life seems to have caught up to me and with a vengeance. We bought furniture, but only after we drove to El Paso on a Sunday for nothing - the store was closed. Drove back on Tuesday. Didn't like anything. Went to Cruces. Bought a few things. One piece has crooked knobs. Do I want to drive it all the way back to Cruces to exchange it? Had the dry heaves before my Saturday Zumba class (from pure nerves). I was victorious. I did the class, did fine, earned $45 bucks. Zumba is going well. I have two full classes - about 15 in each class. I have a sore ankle though and class at 5:30pm tonight. It's an attack of the enemy no doubt. I've had no time to learn new routines and I need to do that very much. A third of our stuff is still in storage, a third in the house, and half in the trailer. Our meal times are all messed up. Haven't had a normal family meal in a week. Husband is returning Nike today because she's pushing down the fence. Two stray horses were in the yard on Monday. Animal control came and got them. I'm a new member of the board, I'm treasurer for F.O.H., and paperwork and phone calls are more than I expected. Husband has been run ragged. Son loves having his own room. I have no time.

Into a house

I cannot believe a major life change is happening in only one more day. We love this trailer, but we will be in a house. On Wednesday we'll be. . . house people again.

I am not sad or blue. Actually I feel excited. The guidance of the Holy Spirit is unmistakable. I'm sure it's the right thing for us to do. Rarely in my life am I sure about anything.

DSL. We'll having screaming fast DSL in the house! And a land line with unlimited phone calls. I told my husband I want a dial phone and at first he said why and I reminded him of one of our worst fights ever. Really, it wasn't a fight. More accurately I'd say it was an ugly scene. And it was only one minute, but minutes make memories. I never said a word.

My husband has big fingers and always, seriously, he's always missing the correct buttons on the stupid cell phones and hand held phones. One day my dad phoned and husband picked up the phone and thought it wasn't working. He had messed up and touched something so that my dad could hear him, but he couldn't tell my dad was on the line. So husband hung up, he hollered up one side of me and down the other about what I did to the phone. I didn't do anything to the phone! ...And my dad was actually still on the line and heard everything. In under 60 seconds an important relationship was damaged. I felt a little bad about what my husband said to me, but I know my husband's temper. It flares quickly and fades quickly.

But my dad doesn't know my husband like I do. He took offense on my behalf. I appreciated it. I love my dad. However sometimes it's best to leave things between and husband and wife alone. So next my husband took offense to my dad's sarcasm then it was pretty much a mess for several long years. Husband wouldn't talk with my pop for a long time. They were both mad. Now they've made up. Our son's verbal persuasion was the motivating force and his persuasiveness softened my husband's heart. I was very proud of our son. Words matter. Knowing how to use words is a useful skill. Being a pest doesn't hurt either! He mightily wanted his dad to make-up with his grandad.

How did I get down that bunny trail?

There were four new people at the aerobic kickboxing class tonight. I do it to help my Zumba strength and at Wednesday's class I mentioned the aerobic class to everyone and told them how it helped me. I told a couple (who are my age) that when she uses the step, I don't use it because my knees and feet don't like it. Well, I guess it inspired them to come. They wanted to work out, but don't like the step. Many people, they don't want to look different from the rest of the class. I don't care though. I was the only once doing 'step tap' while everyone else did jumping jacks. Now there are several peeps doing step tap like me! Wheee!

My husband sat in the truck as I groomed Bella and Nike. It was dark outside. We got there so late. I told him when we got home that I'm probably the only person who grooms horses in the dark. What he said struck me as very tender because he looked at me and said, "Those horses mean a lot to you." I hadn't thought of it. I do love them, but I didn't know if horses in our life could be real or an "almost, but not" kind of thing. Now that we're going to be in the house and the corral is right out front, it's all real. I could never have imagined it. Not in my wildest dreams.

Aaaah. Life is so sweet. It's 2010 and I already know it will be too short.

I am

I am a Zumba instructor! I did it. I taught my first two classes this week: Wednesday evening and Saturday noon. Yeah, I was scared but it was worth it going through the scariness.

At the Wednesday class I was the most nervous. I did about an eight minute talking intro since none of the students had taken a Zumba class ever before. I had an outline and tried to keep it brief. It went well except sometimes I had to take a big breath because I guess I wasn't breathing. Haha! And my mouth was super dry from nerves. But I did it. That's what counts. Karol said she couldn't tell I was nervous, but she was way in the back row. But it's true that nervousness often doesn't show as much as we think.

On the dancing part, I made no errors on Wednesday, not one, but I did on Saturday - about three. I just kept going. I didn't have a meltdown or make a big deal of it. Yay me. It's not easy dancing through a mistake. I hope it'll get easier. And it was a routine that I know inside out too. Go figure.

Next week I'll be teaching a full hour. Technically, I only have 40 minutes memorized but many brand new teachers do a few songs twice because it's such a daunting task to memorize 60 minutes right off the bat. I think the students will like it because part of the fun is that after you know the routine then you can add style and flavor. That's when the real fun kicks in. I think they will not mind doing a few songs twice while I learn the new routines to get up to 60 minutes. I really needed to get out there and start. I had a fear that I would spend so much time practicing that I'd finally, ultimately, do nothing.

Somebody took my Zumba flyer off of the bulletin board at the market. Who did that! My husband said someone probably just wanted to take it home. Why I oughta. Now I have to get another one made. That costs $1.20.

Fifteen people came Wednesday and 14 on Saturday, but a few of the Saturday people had been there Wednesday so they were repeats. That's good though. They came back. We'll see how many will pay five bucks to come though.

After we did the Kulikitaca song everyone clapped. That was neat! They were sweating too. And at the Wednesday class it was cool because after some of the dances there would be all manner of chatter and laughter. It was very uplifting.

Today I had a bit of an odd fellow in the class. He was waving his arms around kind of funny. We have that sort of thing here. He was a nice enough guy though. Harmless. And one lady chose a spot, strangely, right next to me. I had to make my steps very small on the side she was on. I didn't want to offend her since I don't know which people will become regulars so I smiled and made due. One lady came in wearing 1.5" platform sandals. I said she couldn't move in them. She'll hurt herself. I can't remember if she left. Either another lady brought her shoes or she left. I can't remember. I'm sure that even if she tried she would not last long in those shoes.

I got a compliment from one lady, she's from church, who said she's noticed I've trimmed down. I said, yeah, my back doesn't hurt much anymore (from strengthening the abdominals) and my husband says I'm leaner and meaner. She asked how long it took and I told her five months. She's already taken her measurements and seems serious about losing weight. I was very encouraged by that because she's just the kind of person I hope the class will appeal to. I talked to her and told her that if she wanted even to bring a chair to sit in to rest, she is welcome to. I got that idea from my sister.

Finally, I'm in a position where I can give back to the community. I want to serve the community well. I remember once my pastor said that as we become older we should become teachers. It always stuck in my mind. And there is so little here in the way of extracurricular endeavors to get into shape. There's no YMCA, or I should say "Y", no active community center or city recreation department. I hope I will be successful with this endeavor.

I bought a Samsung washer and dryer online tonight for delivery to the store and we'll pick it up. I am waiting till we get them and move into the house before I wash my Zumba pants. I'm not even running those babies through the laundromat washer/dryers. I'll wash them by hand. My husband said I can order another pair. I am happy for that! I have some regular black dance pants but the crotch kind of creeps down. Very uncool to have to pull up your pantaloons while dancing.

Big ticket items

Went to Cruces and got home at 5:30pm. It was 106 there and on the way home it rained which brought temp down 20 degrees. Then it went back up at home.

We bought our son a desk from Office Max. He chose a corner desk to make the most of his small space. It's laminated, but it's all his and it's brand new and on sale. Husband and I looked at washers and dryers, flat screen tvs, and sound systems. We are so out of the loop technology-wise that after two minutes of looking at each item we were overwhelmed. We did decide on a tv one step up from what I had been considering. We like the LED backlighting and four HDMI connections for streaming from the internet. He said he'd consider a Maytag washer/dryer set when I was only considering Samsung, so I'll widen my research on that. We decided a HTiB (Home Theater in a Box) is best for our needs sound-wise. We used to have a Yamaha sound system with gigantic speakers. Good thing we didn't keep it. It would never fit in our new space. I don't want to bother with putting a system together piece by piece and I don't want wires all over or to have to spend time putting speakers on the wall, so a real surround sound system is out. We happened to walk by a Bose system that sounded good and was so small! It's only three speakers and a remote. I have to admit I always wanted something Bose and though not every Bose product is a good deal, I think this one is. So I'm reading, reading, reading. It was nice when we lived in the Bay Area because just reading the tech section of the Silicon Valley newspaper (The Mercury News) naturally kept us up to date about what products were good or mediocre or no good. Now I'm running fast as I can to get educated to spend our money well for best value.

For the furniture I decided on the same pieces but without the stars. I guess stars are kinda Texas. I love Texas. I sure do. But if I had a symbol in our living area I'd rather use the zia from the New Mexican flag. I thought the star was kinda Amish too. I love the Amish. But they're in Pennsylvania.

I think I just memorized another routine for Zumba. It's for the song "Rock Around the Clock." A 1950s tune. It's in my head. I'll have to see if my body can do it this afternoon. Tomorrow's my first class. I feel well. Excited. I had a bad stomach ache for a week and a half, but yesterday and today it's gone. I ate a big full taco lunch yesterday. It was sooo nice to eat a good meal and feel relaxed. I've been having to eat such tiny portions because my stomach was tense. I'm in a prayer group and my friends are praying for me. "Be not conformed to this world; but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind." And "God has not given us the spirit of fear but of power and of love and of a sound mind." And then the Holy Spirit showed up Sunday night and was so sweet. Church went on for two and a half hours. I went up to alter call and let the Spirit fill me up and I'm still in the flow with it. I praise his wonderful, magnificent, glorious name.

Coffee tables

So we're getting a tv. It'll be one of those flat screen kinds. I have to research it. We're stepping back into the regular world. I'm shopping a bit for a coffee table. I wanted to put the tv on the wall, but what about the cords? I don't know if we can hide the cord and if any cords show it can't go on the wall. I like wood and I'd like a southwestern style since we're in the southwest. I'm thinking of these. Handmade in Mexico. Pine. All wood.

Oops. The giant end table is a little out of scale ain't it. I'm thinking used sofas and chairs and this new stuff. Not too expensive. Rustic. I definitely want rustic. Spill something, put your shoes on it, no big deal. It'll just add character to it. One thing that popped into my head last night - putting a vase of flowers on the kitchen table. I used to like buying flowers every week. Irises. I like irises. Purple. Gary already gave us a sofa and it's like brand new. It's awful kind of him. He and his wife are that way. Very generous. We will need a recliner for the man of the house :) and I think we need another sofa for peeps to sit.

Already told son he cannot have his computer in his bedroom. Computers belong in the community area, living room/kitchen. The tv is for my husband to watch sports. I expect to maybe watch some wildlife shows. Do they have those anymore I wonder. I'm not going to become a tv watcher. I already know I don't like some of the football commercials. Son has seen tv at friends' houses and has informed me of the list of shows he'd like access to:

Deadliest Catch
Dirty Jobs
Extreme 4x4
And maybe Wipeout

I have no idea what they're about but he's a fairly discerning so I think I wouldn't forbid him to watch them.

I put up the Zumba class flyers around town today: at the post office, laundromat, hair stylist's, the market, the ranger's office. I got my first Zumba email already from a girl who is excited that Zumba is coming to our town. People's excitement is contagious! I felt happy today whereas the last few days I'd been wondering what I've gotten myself into. Tomorrow I'm going to ask Gina if I may put a flyer in the store window. Lots of people go in and out there.

Eww

Poor Bella. She had diarrhea this morning. We think it's because she got real upset yesterday. Yesterday she walked into the narrow area between the fence and the shed they go in for shade and wind protection and got stuck. She must have been stuck a long time and I guess she couldn't figure out how to back out. Gary came home and heard a racket and found her and he got her out. She hasn't got a scratch on her and other than distress seems okay. I'm glad the diarrhea went away. Didn't know what I was going to do if it continued.

Tomorrow I get to clean her up. Blech. She's quite a mess in the back. Blech.

Appliances

Have to think about appliances. I have no name brand loyalties. The last fridge we bought was a Kitchen Aide and it was garbage. It leaked all over the kitchen floor one night. It wasn't a cheap fridge either. I liked the stainless steel look at the time and man, it was a pain to keep clean and beautiful. We're getting white next time. Don't need a fridge but we do need a washer dryer set. I'm thinking Samsung. It's made in China I think, but the Chinese know a lot about washers. Those front loader washing machines are the cat's meow and get clothes so much cleaner.

Can't say I'm not looking forward to purchasing things. I do still like to buy. It's the human condition I suppose. Am disappointed to be leaving behind the whole living small concept. We'll have water bills, trash bill, electric and gas bills, cable bills, weed killer spraying to do, watering of plants to do, cleaning house, CLEANING HOUSE, to do. Aaaauugh! I haven't done that in years. But I can take a bath in winter. We won't have to go to the laundromat. I'll have Pergo flooring in the extra room to dance on.

I will go with the flow. Everything's coming up roses so go with the flow.

Some mojo

Such a fine day. I just watered the birds. I always check Mrs. Thrasher's nest. It's empty now, but she raised to broods in it this year - four babies total. I can't help walking over to look inside of it. A couple days ago someone put some bean pods that grow on the bushes here inside the nest. I wonder if she did it. Husband said maybe a squirrel did it but a squirrel couldn't possibly climb a cholla cactus.

Some mojo. I got a hair compliment today. I wore it down to churchity-church and afterward helped husband in the Visitor's Center where a customer said it was long and pretty and, (the and is what has it) and my ends are nice and thick! She works in a salon as a masseuse and said she has to have a nice cut and style because of where she works and we talked about trimming, drying, and ends and so on. Very cool. Her hair was long by most standards and it was layered; thick and luxurious. It's interesting how she knew how to pass on a good compliment. Guess she knows that from working in a salon.

I think we might be moving into the house early September! My husband said we are gonna get a flag pole! We had one at our other house. Got it before 9/11 too. A lot of people started flying flags after 9/11 but we had one quite before. I told him I am so excited at the thought of getting one and he said I was excited when we got the other one too. I don't remember that. I just remember being happy to have one. I picked it out and he put it up. It sas 20' I believe and it was a tad short so this time I said I'd like a 25 footer. He said okay. Can't wait to shop! We used raise the flag every morning (okay, he did) and took it down and folded it every evening (we did). Our neighbors seemed to appreciate it though I didn't realize they did till we moved and they told us how they would miss seeing the flag flying. I always liked the Gadsden flag too - the yellow one with the rattlesnake that says "Don't tread on me." It was the U.S. Navy flag before there was a U.S. Navy. On the other hand, we're in New Mexico. Maybe a New Mexico flag would be nice to add. Hmmm. We'll just the the U.S. flag. Another one would be expensive and it was have to be replaced as often and the American flag. Okay.

I have to start dinner. We're having chicken soup and fresh sourdough bread from the bakery. We're the only family I know who eats hot soup and a blistering hot day.

Paperwork and prep

Straight out of the camera.  A rarity for me because I can't control myself from highlighting this or that, messing with exposure and paintbrushing.  I smiled big.  I have some others that look like I have the crazies.  Emailed one to my husband and I walked over and said, Look at my smile, it's not too bad.  Hey, I said, you need to scroll up to look at my smile. He's such a man. Wished I'd shot the other side so my tattoo isn't sticking out right in front. I forgot about that.

I needed a photo for my flyers so I can print them and stop thinking about it. My husband traipsed through the hot desert on my behalf and scoped out a fine juniper tree with shade for me to stand under.  I was thinking a perfect venue would be a photo at the gym or the studio but I don't want to wait, plus a lot of the Zumba girls use photos from in their house or out and about doing whatever. I'm using the photo on top.  Usually I delete photos that show my turkey gobbler profile (the second pic), but that's what it be like.  Fifty one years takes its toll and I accept it. I'm alive and an imperfect jawline is small payment.

The real truth is, I wish to get it fixed someday but my husband doesn't want me to because he doesn't want me to accidentally die getting cosmetic surgery.  I don't do well under the knife and he knows it.  I do too, so shame on me for wishing. I say, better to die skiing or hiking or anything, even eaten by a bear, than plastic surgery for vanity purposes.  It wouldn't make a good headstone - The beloved Lil lies here.  Died from neck lift with platysmaplasty (that means with an incision under the chinny chin chin and behind the ears).  I'd never do anything to the eyes though.  I see people with bald looking, sunken eye sockets from having their eyes done.  Too chancy.  Eyes give such character.  I don't mind some sag in the eyes.  I should try to make peace with this whole aging thing.  Naaah.  Who am I kidding!  Can't do it.  No peace. 

I will drop off the flash drive with the printers tomorrow.  I still need to get a liability waiver.  Need to distribute the flyers in town.  Then I'll be pretty much done with all the setting up.

I'm memorizing the cool down routine today.

The meteor shower the other night was excellent. There weren't lots of them as when we were at Joshua Tree National Park a few years back, but the ones I saw were very bright and very long and quite spectacular. It was worth a rotten night of sleep. I jumped awake when a mosquito bit my index finger and it was then I finally surrendered and went inside to my comfy bed. Checked the clock and it was 4:00am. I always want to be at one with nature but I end up coming inside. Last time I slept outside a huge wind storm came up.

The Perseids

I'm going to sleep outside on a cot tonight to watch the sky.  I think I might be a day early though, so I'll have to sleep outside tomorrow too.  And the moon is just a couple days past new, just 6% full according to my sidebar moon, so it's small and won't interfere with its bright moonlight.  Ooooh la la.

I purchased liability insurance of one million dollars today.  I'm scared and excited.  Excited and scared.  No, not scared.  Anxious.  No, I need a positive word. Uneasy?  Queasy?  No.  They're positively not positive.  Eager.  Excited and eager.  Eager is a weird word though.  Kind of like "yearning." 

I'm looking forward to being a Zumba teacher.  I start on August 25th at 5:30pm.

Nice

I got two hair compliments yesterday.  A double header.  I was wearing my hair in a braid.  We were at Denny's restaurant paying our bill, well, husband was paying the bill.  I was sitting on the sofa.  And a young waitress, she was cashiering, told me my hair was long and pretty.  Wowie kazowie.  Often people will say, "Your hair is long," and I say, "It is."  I'm not sure if "thank you" would be appropriate.  It's more like they're making a statement of fact, not complimenting.  So anyways, it was great to get a no-bones-about-it compliment.  And that's not all.  Another sweet waitress sat down beside me, like a friend only I think she was just really tired, and started talking about how pretty it is and she added that not all women can wear my color of hair and look good.  I was really wondering if she was a long hair person.  She said she liked the color of my hair very much.

They were the nicest compliments I've gotten in a long time. I walked out of the restaurant positively beaming.  I told my husband how happy I was and he said, "Oh?" as he looked at the receipt from breakfast.  I said, duh, you know they gave me nice compliments.  As if!  And then he says, "Well, you do have beautiful hair."  And I told him he doesn't know anything.  He's just a husband.  And he threw his hands up exasperation.

Speakers and me

Speakers and me, we have a problem.  I'm always blowing them out.  I kept upgrading my sound system in my car (back in the day when I had a car) and still blew one of them out.  One speaker got a little rip in it which I could sense in certain music.  I loathe cheap sound.  Well, ideally I do.

So I was practicing my first song at the studio yesterday, Selena got there as I was leaving by the way, and three minutes later there was a huge crashing sound.  The owner is as best I can guess a Buddhist, Muslim, Namaste, with a bit of Virgin Mary thrown in for good measure believer, and keeps a shrine in the studio.  This sound system is barely squeezed in behind the shrine.  It's an excellent location to hide it from eyes of passers-by, but it's hard to reach.

So I'm dancing "Que Te Mueve" which means How You Move and I hear such a mighty crashing (I thought I was going to have a heart attack ) and it sounded as if whole shrine covered with glass ornaments, glass candles and oil bottles and pictures, was falling over.  It didn't.  Thank goodness.  But I looked behind it and I guess the deep bass and having the volume cranked up to 25 caused the two speakers to walk and they had fallen from the top shelf allll the way down to the floor amid a myriad of little stuff and things she stores back there.  I stumbled back a few steps and got hold of my neck (I always choke myself when I'm nervous) and after a minute decided I better stop hyperventilating and figure out what to do.

I picked up the speakers and placed them back on the shelf.  I'm a dork and put one upside down, but then I noticed and put it upright.  One lost its wire but to the other a wire was still attached.  I tentatively played my CD and listened real close and one speaker was busted, but the other one sounded fine.  Called the owner and she was real sweet and kind about it.  It's true that it was already precariously perched, but you know, people can get mean when it comes to their stuff, but she was very nice and all forgiving.  I suggested her husband could fix it or my husband could (hopefully) and she replied that her husband is not a fixer of things, so I said I'll have mine look at it.  He looked at it today and soldered the wires back together and added hinges so the speakers won't walk.  He's going to go back and make it so the top shelf won't be able to tip off the rack too.  I love him so

Welp, looks like the week of the 16th or the 23rd I'm gonna have to buckle down and actually teach an actual Zumba class.  I'm working on flyers now.

I have a new pair of sunglasses.  I'm off expensive sunglasses.  I declare, I'm never buying a pair of expensive sunglasses ever again.  I always lose them, so why spend so much money on them?  I found a pretty darned good pair at Wal-Mart today.  They're polarized and give me the world in rose color.  That's a bit o' all right.

My last pair of expensive ones I lost on Wednesday.  We were part of a search party looking for a man who's gone missing.  It's awful sad.  The sheriff was there and people on horseback were there, and people to search on foot were there.  We didn't find him.  I hope he's found soon so his wife and family can have some peace about it.  When at first we were looking I felt like it was doable, but after a couple hours you realize you'd have to walk right upon him to find him.  The desert is so big.  I wished I had the eyes of the birds soaring on the winds overhead.  Could they see what we're looking for.  Do they know where he is?

Selena's going to meet me at the dance studio.  Well, it's a yoga studio I'm using for dance, and I'm going to test out my moves on her.  She gets off work at 4:00pm.  My quads are so sore.  Yesterday it hurt just to sit down.  Not that I sit on my quads, but I do use them to lower myself down to el sofa.  Better just to fall on the sofa then you don't need to engage the quads at all.

None of my pants are tight anymore.  It must be the Zumba.

Being married

Being married gives you someone to blame.  Here's the thing.  Awhile back I left my phone in my pants and it got washed with the laundry.  About two months ago I started going to the laundromat with my husband so he can get the folding done faster (he hates folding the whites) but at the time of my cell phone wash incident he did the laundry and I was home.  Anyway, it was my fault.  I can see that.  I would have been nice if he'd noticed it in my pocket, but who am I to point fingers.  I did leave it in my own pants pocket. 

Now he washed his phone in the pocket of his pants and it's my fault.  I don't know how that works!

We plan to move to our rental house at end of August.  Far sooner than expected!  We will have our own washer and dryer there.  Oooh la la.  No.  More.  Laundromat.

Oh my

I typed a lot on the topic of apologetics.  Accidentally deleted it so I did a quick Control Z to to undo.  Evidently I did the Control Z one too many times.  I undid myself to a blank page.

Now to calmly walk away from this computer.

Summer break

Gave our son the next two weeks off from homeschooling. He got a job too. Today he earned twenty bucks. He's working tomorrow too. He's a server and a dishwasher and a plate preparer. Today was not very busy for him though. I think Saturday will be far busier. School starts here in New Mexico on August 16 so families will all have a last fling for the summer and will spend money on burgers and such. They wanted him to work Friday, Saturday and Sunday, but I said no to Sunday because he needs to attend church. He complained bitterly and I said, well, how do you think you got this job? God brought you to it so don't you be complaining. God gave you a good brain and strong arms and legs. God provides us with opportunity. Don't you complain. We go to church once a week to get refreshed in order to face the next six days. Don't you complain! My husband supported me too! Three days of work is too much for a 13 year old anyway. I wager he'll thank me for insisting that two days is enough.

Some people say how can they get to church on Sunday when they have so much to do. Or they're so tired. I say how can I not go to church when I have things to do or when I'm tired. Even when I have the blahs I go on Sunday. If I have something major coming up I need time in God's house before I go on. Nine times out of ten I feel better, refreshed, invigorated, stronger afterward. But I have the unction of the Holy Spirit. It pushes me. I read about unction in one of John's epistles. Epistle is a fancy word for a letter. When he was old, John, one of the apostles of Jesus, wrote three letters to Christians everywhere round about 90 A.D. He wrote the three letters called First John, Second John, and Third John, plus he wrote the Gospel of John. Plus what else? He wrote the book of Revelation. That's why he's also known as John the Revelator.

Unction is a compelling force within you from the Holy Spirit and is mentioned in 1John 2:20. I'm sure I must have unction. I can't stop myself and people get tired of me. I wish I had a little Bible group to go to.

Washed my hair and it's nice and soft. I brushed Bella and Nike a little, but not enough. I think we're going to Cruces tomorrow. I can't think of anything I need. There are so many stores there. I should want something but I can't think of anything.

I went through my Zumba playlist and danced the songs I know. I've had several people ask me when classes will start and I have to tell them I'm not ready. I'm trying not to get a complex about it. I love that people are excited and asking but I think people do not realize how much memorization it requires. I have nine more routines to memorize. After my workshop on the 17th I decided to try to learn them simultaneously but I don't think it's working. I'm going to go back to learning one at a time; the method that is tried and true for me. In the past two weeks I've really only learned one routine thoroughly all the way through. The others I know bits of and what use is a bit. I could dance them over and over and if I don't learn the entire thing, a bit is not going to help. Not one bit. Meh.

What was Jesus' last commandment? The Great Commission. Which prophet is the only prophet who knew God face to face. Moses. I read the Song of Moses in Exodus all morning this morning.

Newspaper poem

A long time ago I found this poem in the newspaper. I was the ripe old age of 21 or so - tired and worn from living life too fast and all wrong. I carried it in my wallet for years - wrinkled and frayed. It still resonates with me. It's such a sad poem though. It came to my mind tonight. I love my husband so much. I need him. Like air.

Today he was angry because the washer keeps leaking after he fixes it. And he's sore from working on the sites. The big monsoon rains have washed sand over all the sites and roads. Four inches covering the cement! He dislikes the hot weather. The propane wasn't firing up for some reason and he had to change them out at 6:00am to get hot water. We almost lost a long thank you note our son wrote then we found it and accused each other of misplacing it! I'm sure he did it. I should just say I did it because he's the one who will mail them. He always goes to the post office and I don't. He's so punctual and always does the right thing. I don't know how we ended up together. I'm so opposite of him.

He took a shower and chilled out a bit. He's fast asleep now. He falls asleep in two and a half minutes. How does he do that? I lie there for hours and he snores like bear. He tells me it's his clear conscience that makes him sleep so well. Me, my conscience is going full speed ahead 24 hours a day. When I was a kid even if I wasn't guilty I looked guilty. I suffer so! Ruminations. They serve no useful purpose. My iPod pushes them away though. Works pretty good. I listen to my music - lately my Zumba routines. But then when I really want to sleep I change to a sermon my pastor gave a few years ago. I've listened to the same one so many times I can probably give parts of that sermon myself.


After A While
©1971 Veronica A. Shoffstall

After a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul
and you learn
that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security.

And you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts
and presents aren't promises
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of woman,
not the grief of a child
and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down
in mid-flight.

After a while you learn
that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting for someone
to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure
you really are strong
you really do have worth
and you learn
and you learn
with every goodbye, you learn...

Lost

Last night I dreamt I was lost in Nebraska.  It was a long bad dream.  I woke up at 10:30am.  That's late even for me.  I just couldn't get out of Nebraska.  Couldn't get to a phone.  Didn't have change and even if I did I didn't know what number to call.  (Cell phones don't exist in my dreamworld.)  Didn't know my address.  Didn't have a car.  Kept looking in my purse to no avail.  I do need a new purse.  It's a very boho purse but I've worn the strap out.  In my dream my purse was my purse.  I guess I like my purse so it exists unchanged in my dream.  Hate cell phones so they are evicted from my dreams.

Found a studio

I met with a studio owner last night and we talked about Zumba.  She's very enthusiastic and she and her husband want to take the class too.  She's a nurse and a yoga teacher.  Very earthy - just a perfect specimen of people in this community.

So.  Best news of the day, I can afford it.  I was so happy!  I can use her space for $10 bucks an hour.  I can swing that.  She showed me the sound system.  Zumba instructor class stressed that a good sound system is imperative.  Well, it has fantastic sound, excellent booming bass, and gets plenty loud.

My latest plan is to do no routines in the first two demo class.  Instead I'll make them strictly how to do the steps of merengue, salsa, cumbia and reggaeton dances so students will have an actual vocabulary to build on.  This will do away with the mystery of the unknown for some people.  Hopefully it will make it more inviting to more people because being such a small town I need as many people as possible to feel comfortable enough to try a class.  Let's see.  I'll set up one free class during the week and one free class on a Saturday.  Yes, that's what I'll do.

I get to practice in the studio today!  It's a small one but it has mirrors.

The girls saw the farrier this morning.  They both did very well and stood quietly for the most part.  I didn't get to be there to watch, but son and husband said they like this farrier very much.  He didn't even charge us for Bella's feet because she didn't need much done.  Guess he had a good sense of humor.  Farrier work is extremely physical, back breaking work, and can be dangerous as well.  Farriers can get kicked and bitten and I saw a really bad bite on a man's back on a web site once. He talked to the horses a lot and to our son.  He told our son that if he learns how to do the work and wants to be an apprentice and do it as a job he'll see about getting him into a good mental hospital.  Haha! 

WSJ link

A link.  I usually end up deleting them later because they tend to disappear.  This one brought tears to my eyes.  Trust not the media, right or left.  Question.  Look deeper.  Seek details.  Don't just swallow it hook, line, and sinker.  I did, and so did a lot of other people.   

"Shirley Sherrod's speech, and her story, has lessons for us all."
"The Power of Redemption" written by Peggy Noonan.

I'm going to give it as a reading assignment to our son.

The girls

Got up early to go feed the girls.  We're calling Nike and Bella "The Girls" now.  I like saying it.  Winston the Hampshire pig is very happy in his new digs.  My husband says he thinks he saw Winston do a little hippity hop happy dance when he drove up yesterday.

We fed our neighbor's dogs and cats breakfast this morning too.  Son gets paid for it and he loves their dog, Patches.

I was petting Nike on the forehead this morn while she nibbled hay.  Actually, I petted her on the forehead while she was snarfing down hay as fast as she could.  She sneezed.  I said, "Oh bless you Nike," then I look down and see a giant long green horse snot stuck on my leg.  Disgustamundo!

Bella had a big ol' dry wet spot on her right side.  She stunk.  I'm pretty darn sure she's rolled in Nike's pee.  Blech.  She's getting hose rinsed tonight.  I am not brushing pee out.  Eww.

Made an appointment with the farrier to trim their feets on Saturday.

Zumba Licensed

I'm not Zumba certified.  I'm Zumba licensed.  Our teacher explained that certified has, hmm, a bit more prestige when you're out looking for a job.  Obtaining a Zumba license requires eight hours but certification is a lengthier process done through ACE or AFAA and is more expensive.  Additionally, a certified person must complete CPR and First Aid classes.  Many of the Zumba students in the workshop, including me, don't have all that, so we can teach Zumba but not aerobics and all the other stuff that teachers who work in a health club can do.  That's cool with me.  I only wanna teach Zumba.  I do want to get CPR and First Aid training someday. My sister has CPR and she said they teach you to do the compressions to the song "Staying Alive."  She said so many people know the song and when they sing in it their head it helps them do the compressions not too fast and not too slow, but just the right speed.  Funny!

The eight hour workshop was brutal.  When we danced it was fun, but man, it was hot.  The daytime temp outside was 115 degrees and inside the gym with 60 people exercising it was stifling hot.  I had hoped they'd have the AC turned way up high but they didn't.  Everyone was a limp little leaf.  Except for the teacher, Vanessa Lupercio.  She's a tiny little thing, about 4'10", and she was non-stop energy.  She worked 12 years as fitness instruction for the National Guard.  I don't know where she gets all her energy.  I liked her a lot.  She'd demonstrate the steps, and say okay let's do it.  We'd do it and stand there completely worn out and she'd say, "I love you."  It would make us laugh because even though we were so hot and miserable we knew she had our best interest at heart.

I had diarrhea before the class because I was all nervous about moving for eight hours.  I know I can do a one hour class but I've never taken any kind of movement class for eight hours.  I took it easy all morning because I'm not a morning person, and dancing before noon is antithesis to the existence of Liliana.  Fortunately, I needed no emergency trips to the bathroom once I got there.  Thank you for that.  By afternoon I was so beat, but somehow during the dance routines I forgot that I was a limp noodle and I was able to put a bit of pop into it.  I said "a bit."  I just wanted to keep up.  There were two or three women older than I, so I wasn't the most ancient artifact there.  Heh. I was at a bit of a disadvantage having had only four Zumba classes and most of the students are taking it regularly.  There was one girl who had had only one Zumba class.  There was was girl (woman) who lost over 50 pounds with Zumba Fitness and she got a free, cute tee shirt.

I notice I'm attracted to all the Reggaeton dances the most.  Reggaeton originates from Jamaica, is most urban, and it's what you'd generally call Latin hip-hop.  I'm surprised that every song I'm most drawn to turns out to be Reggaeton.  Cumbia is super easy and way fun. Salsa, strongly influenced by Cuba, Africa, and Spain, is another we learned, and the fourth we learned is Merengue which is pronounced not like the pie, but like mer-AN-gay.  I like Samba steps very much and was disappointed that Samba in not taught in Basics 1.  You have to take Basics 2 for that rhythm.

Vanessa commented twice on how much she liked my pink top.  Boom chicka boom!

She taught us the Zumba formula so we can create our own dances and be authentically Zumba.  Vanessa said, you can't do all Reggaeton rhythms or it's not Zumba.  Zumba is a combination of international rhythms.  I thought it telling that she said you can't do all Reggaeton.  I suspect a lot of the dancers like the Reggaeton the best.  We had one man in our class.  He was very popular by the end of the class.  He was quiet and seemed nice.

The last thing we did was choreography and though I was dreading it, it turned out to be one of my favorite parts of the class.  We were divided into four groups, each given a piece of a song to dance to.  We had to make up steps and be able to perform them as a group.  When we were all done practicing our parts, we all sat down and Vanessa played the song, a great song called "Fuego" which means fire.  When your group's piece came you had to jump up and dance it all out then sit down, and the next group would jump up and dance and sit down.  It was great fun to see which group would jump up and what steps they made up.  We knew it was the last part of the class so everyone put all their energy into it.  It was fun to do and fun to watch.

I was so happy when she handed me my certification of completion.  Really, really happy.  After lunch (I ate a salad), I had a tummy ache.  I think no matter what I ate I probably would have gotten a stomach ache.  I'm not taking any more classes in Tempe, Arizona, in July!

I have realized that teaching a Zumba classes requires more than I thought.  I mean, just the practice of the choreography is time consuming.  But I need insurance.  What?  No one ever mentioned insurance!  What's up with that?  That's gonna cost me a couple hundred bucks.  I have $170.00 in my account.  I have to figure out how much to charge per class.  I have to figure out how to offer classes - in a session or use packages.  I have to make a sign-in sheet and I need a liability waiver that follows the requirements of this state.  Paperwork.  Records.  Oh my.  No one ever mentioned all this.  And so, that's what I've been researching and thinking and doing since Monday.

I'm meeting tonight with the owner of a studio here in town.  I hope to offer classes at two venues.  One, at the gym, and two, this studio.  I have to print posters and think about advertising so people will know when and where to come.  Suddenly I'm worried about the routines being too hard for some people so I'm picking some easy ones to add.  I'm considering making the very first class free and calling it a "Beginner's Demo."  Yeah, that's an idea.  And I'll break down the moves and do the song twice since everyone will be brand new and probably anxious about if they can do it.  Everyone can do it!  It's way fun.  But I need to convey that.

See.  It's more than jump in and teach a class like I thought I was going do!  How come nobody told me about all this?  I guess that's why there are way more licensed instructors than there are actual classes.  Hmmm.  I think so.

Back by Monday

Gone to Zumba.  I shall return as a certified instructor! 

Myself viewed through 17-year-old eyes

The other day my 17-year-old nephew told my sister she reminded him of me.  She bought and was wearing a new top, a tie-dyed top, for her Zumba class.  I'm a stereotype.

The arachnid

A spider.

I woke up yesterday morning.   I was laying very straight bodied.  Good thing I didn't curl up before I got out of bed.  So I was lying there straight.  I whip the covers off me because I'm going to swing my legs over the side of the bed and pop up to greet the day.  And what do I see?  Beside me?  A giant spider!  Yes, a big one.  Just sitting there.  Beside me.  It was so fast that I didn't even have time to get scared.  He ran toward the head of the bed and disappeared but I didn't see if he went northerly or easterly, and he was clear gone.  Tonight my husband had the light on at about 10pm.  He went to bed at 9pm.  I went in and asked if everything was okay.  He said something was on him and he killed it.  Yeah, like I'm gonna be able to sleep in there tonight now.

I slept outside part of the night last night.  Got bit four times by mosquitoes. One is a bump on my chin and it better go away by Saturday.

One night last winter I was getting ready for bed.  I turned on the light and I was already bending down to take my shoes off and I saw one of these spiders and it was moving like lightning speed.  They are remarkably fast, but crazy thing was I was faster than he was.  I smashed him with a shoe because there was nothing but shoes because I was by the shoes.  My good luck, his bad.

Truth is, I feel bad killing spiders.  I don't like them.  They can't be in my house and they shall die if they are (unless they're a Daddy Long Legs), but I don't like killing them.  I have to kill black widows and brown recluse's because they're dangerous being poisonous.  I like tarantulas.  They don't bite unless they're scared.  I wouldn't want one on me though.  I hate sun spiders most of all.  They horrify me.  Don't google "sun spiders" or you'll see one.  And ants.  I can't bear ants.

It's time for me to go to bed.  Eek!

In-between chapters

I am not really liking this chapter. It's not even an actual chapter. I don't know what it is. Perhaps it's a chapter I'll tear out and forget. I love living in a trailer and traveling. I do not love living in a trailer and staying in one place. But life is what you make it. We'll see what I can do about it.

There is a thing that occurred that lifted me up mightily. I so wanted a drink last week. Ahhh yesss. Just a bit of wine with my steak or a shot of Crown Royale (that be a fine whiskey). Such a craving it was. I gave up drinking last year, not that drinking was ever a thing of great appeal to me, but I indulged regularly thinking it helped me sleep.  I admit I do like the benefit that abstinence affords - that of being above reproach.

I deflected the desire to have a drink.  Sunday came.  I enjoyed the feeling of overcoming fleshly desire for a bit of booze, the hair of the dog as they say.  I raised my hands in praise to the God I love and sang with the congregation about how this is my offering, me, since it's all I really have to give back to the Lord. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mpRAOS_rv7w

It gets better too.  Monday was the board meeting on which I am a new member.  It's a faith based organization that provides funds to the needy.  We have to vote on who does and doesn't receive funding.  Do I like it?  I do not like it.  I am not made, not built, for decision-making.  I'm just not.  I had to give my vote on two cases over the phone.  I voted opposite to Helen on one of them.  Helen, who has a soft and big heart.  I hesitated to give my vote at first.  I asked her if can I call her back about it.  Truth is, I was gonna ask my husband what I should do.  Helen, she cracked me up.  She knew what I was thinking.  She said, "I'll put you down for a 'no.'" Haha!  Indeed.  It was what my heart was saying but I never know when to listen to my own heart.

Which is precisely why I need to do this job with the heart of God.  I cannot do it myself.  I am not made for it.   My heart is not a big as Helen's.  She drops at the sight of a 19 year old pregnant unmarried girl asking for help.  It's not that I don't feel pity for the girl.  I feel it for the unborn child much more.  But as I see it, it's my responsibility to follow the rules without error.  Guidelines are great, but what are the rules for dispensing with the government funding.  Do I say gut feeling guided me?  I don't think I can do that with a clear conscience.  My gut feeling.  It's ain't worth much.

So as I voted over the phone, I had other compartments of my brain working simultaneously. I remembered the newest definition I have for "disciple."  I used to define it as "a learner."  Now I define it as a "disciplined follower."  Do I wanna be Christian or do I wanna be just Christianish?  I thought of my walk with Christ and my choice last week not to tip the glass (it would have only bit one second of my time to take a quick drink), and wow, it's like an outside expression of my inside self, of the Christ within me.  This decision and my future decisions, which now potentially touches the lives of others, will be of God, not only of me.

My outside self and my inside self are in sync.  It's good.

Husband just got home!  He brought good news.  We're moving animals today.  We have to eat and go right away!

Finally

Finally got my Zumba email for next Saturday. Bring two extra sets of clothing it says so you don't have to sit in cold, wet clothing. Oh and bring your credit card. You can opt to sign up with the ZIN network for $30 and $30 per month and you'll get nine songs and choreographies for free! Um, where's the free part again?

The tone of the class and Zumba in general always reminds me of EST (Erhard Seminars Training) that was so popular in the early '80s. My friend wanted me to go. All I needed was to come up with $425.00 and he was all positive and hyped up that I could do it. I was barely off welfare, raising a baby by myself, and earning a smidge above minimum wage. Idiot. I told him no way.

Not a fan of the screaming and yelling during a class. Methinks there's going to be some yelling. Liliana does not yell. Maybe one whoop, but no yelling. I have my warm-up almost memorized. The rest of the songs I use I think will be from Zumba, Inc. They have some very fun songs.

A day

Talked to my dad. Had a nice talk about a lot of nothing.

My men are gone right now.

Guess I'll go get dressed.

The phone I want

I found the phone I want whenever we get a land line again. Or, if ever we get a land line. A pink phone.

And just in case I can't find one I have a back-up phone that I like.

Secretly sick

There was a big online photo entry contest for the state of New Mexico. I have tons of New Mexico birds, critters, sunsets, rainbows, landscape, moon, and a few aren't half bad. I looked at the site and checked the end date and figured since my computer crashed and the photos are all on the external hard drive, and I'd have to search through them, I'd do it later. It was free submission - no cost. I didn't even look for what the prize was because I assumed (what's that saying about assuming?) that free submission meant the prize was no big.

I remembered the end date was June 29th. Slight error in depending on my own memory bank which is usually depleted. I went back on June 28th. Found out the end date was June 27th. A professional photographer guy here in town won and not to be negative, but it was a photo of some plain old rocks. Seriously.

Now my cameras are both packed full of photos and I haven't got the energy in my arms to download them. Not only that. I just assumed the winner got published and that's that. No, the winner got a $10,000 cash award prize. I would have known about it if I had bothered to read further on the site. Second, third, and fourth place prizes wouldn't have hurt either. That's when the sickness set in.

Man, I'm such a stoop. I think this calls one one huge, gigantic, ginormous, monumental rationalization. I need a good one. Okay. Got it. I say he would have won no matter what because he's got a fairly well known name and likely has connections and often the judges are very subjective anyways. That's what I'll say to myself.

Pretty pathetic. And I'm not much comforted either. At least no one knows how bummed I really am. I need that flashie thingie from the movie "Men In Black" to erase this awful memory. But then, I might make the same mistake again. Okay, I'll keep the memory and be smarter next time, or a least more punctual when there's something I should attend to right away. Yes.

Starting, starting, starting. . . tomorrow!

(I had two lovely comments, and a funny one from Jules, but I clicked something wrong and they're gone. I'm sorry.)

Almost done

Just finished working lunch break at the Visitor's Center. It's crazy. It's a steady influx of cars and trailers. I didn't make any boo-boos so it's another good day. I decided to drink decaf tea instead of coffee this morning and it helped. I still had a stomach ache at the start of the hour, but once I was working I forgot about it. Husband talked with Mona, the beautiful Mona, and she says she thinks after 6:00 we don't need to direct traffic. We're schedule for 5pm to 9pm. I hope we get dismissed at 6pm! I think we will because everyone can come in for free for the fireworks after 6pm. That's mighty nice of the state and the Friends community group to put on such a spectacular fireworks show and let people enter the park for free.

Working

Work went fine today. It was one hour in the Visitor's Center and two hours directing traffic. I was lucky that at 3pm the sun was making a wee bit of shade for me next to the building. I stood with my back slick against the wall to try to be in its shade. I had one person go through and I think she didn't pay. I think she had a blank receipt in her window and she was hoping I couldn't read it from as far away as I was. I let her go through because it's not like I could leave the gate open and walk to the other side of the lane. The other person who was almost a problem was in a motorhome and decided he was going to have a conversation with me. I told him he's blocking the emergency lane and please pull to the side and get out and go in the Visitor's Center. He was very nice and understanding, so it wasn't a bad experience. It was hot though. My ears went weird. It was like they were stuffy and when I talked I could hear myself very loudly in my head. I wonder if it was the heat. Anyway, it was a bummer. Took an hour to go away after we got home. Tomorrow will be the busiest day.

In the Visitor's Center I so don't want to make a mistake. I told the gal from Santa Fe that I'm better at the window than the counter and she let me work the window. I like her. But I'm such a nervous Nellie. My hands shake a tiny bit and I'm sure she noticed because she asked me if I'm okay. "Oh I'm fine," I said. She probably thinks I'm on meds. No, I'm not on meds. It's the natural me.

The other volunteers who worked a different kiosk are upset. They came up $64.00 short. I've never come up short to date. I take the cash, say out loud the amount charged and the amount the customer gives me, set it on the register, give them their change, and then I place the money in the drawer only after they see their change so if they argue with me I can show them the cash they handed me.

The boys in the kiosk today were young. Hired for the summer months. An employee came in and told them to look sharp because the director of state parks (the entire state) was here. One kid said he didn't care. Said he wasn't trying to impress anyone. What a shame. You never know when you may make an impression and it could work in your favor in the future. One boy said to the other, "I'll be back. I gotta take a p*ss break." They knew I'm standing right by the open window. Yuck. He also made a big sound like an old man and spit. I was quite grossed out. The other boy sloshed water in his mouth and spit it out. I don't know why and I don't want to know why. Suffice to say, I'm unimpressed by the local boys. The employee pool here is pretty shallow. I daresay they both lack motivation, initiative, and drive, and I predict they will not go far. Pity the girls who marry them. My husband says men aren't supposed to spit when women are around. I was married to him for 12 years before I ever knew he spit. He only did it when he ran when he was preparing for the LA Marathon. I saw him do it by accident. I was shocked! It's never happened since.

I'm making a disco CD for him. I like researching music. Talk about shallow. My vast knowledge of '70s and '80s music makes me pretty shallow. I used to be so embarrassed that he liked the Bee Gees. I was disdainful of disco. His daughter would slide down real low in the front seat of the car so no one would see her with him when he listened to the Bee Gees. Haha! Strange thing has happened in 30 years. The Bee Gees and Donna Summer songs made me smile. What's up with that.

I also downloaded "You Dropped A Bomb On Me" by The Gap Band. It so reminds me of dancing in 1983 at 94th Aero Squadron before I was married. Used to go with Lisa and Mary. Lisa was my friend until I met my husband. It was so weird. When I was single and sad she was a great friend, but when I met a really good guy she kicked me to the curb. I should think she would have been happy for me, but she stopped being my friend. She and Mary and I were room mates. I moved out soon after and that was the end of that.

Traffic control

Tomorrow we do four hours of traffic control from 5pm to 9pm. Not looking forward to it, but at least we won't be in the hot sun. Monday is 4th of July. We worked the Visitor's Center for an hour today. It wasn't too bad. We didn't get backed up. We're expecting well over 100,000 visitors for the week-end. They're already here some of them. Our loop is full and the shoreline is filling up. There was a car crash in the park today, but people weren't hurt.

My bellydance friend phoned me today and invited me to El Paso to watch her perform and do some workshops. I'm not going to go. I feel badly about the other girl who would share a room with us. She's a beautiful and talented dancer. Her father a Baptist minister. Something about her aches my heart.  Is it the Holy Spirit?

I think she sells her body, that is, she sells her self. They think poor little Lil is blind. It's the body the men want, but the self gets taken in the bargain. One can say she keeps her self separate, but it's a slow death of the heart. The money and the travel she finds irresistible. I think she cannot be paid enough for the part of her inside self that's getting ruined. And children are not dumb. Sooner or later they know what their mother is doing. It's not a good living. It's a bad living. Pretty it up with expensive clothes and exotic places for a season. One day you wake up older and still alone in your parent's home.

Me. I'd rather be a secretary making minimum wage eating Rosarita Refrieds every night and take care of myself.

A finding

I find that when I go to sleep at night I'm very comforted by the feeling of my iPod in my hand. I always keep it right under my pillow so I can feel around and find it, in the dark, without ever waking up my husband. Last night I didn't even need to put my ear pods in my ears. Are they called ear pods. The ear thingies. I didn't even put them in. I was holding my iPod, my pillow all soft and puffy around my head, my blankets tucked under my chin just right, and I drifted off into a sweet sleep. I said my prayers but didn't finish with "in the name of Jesus." I popped awake and added a few more people and told God these are all together in one batch even though I went to sleep for a few minutes in between, in the name of Jesus, your precious Son, amen. Then I slept all night. I slumbered which is to be dormant or quiescent. This is a good thing for the insomniac, which I hate to use that word, so rather let me say, when you're a night owl.

Pizza

I ordered a pizza for dinner. Went to pick it up and they said they had no order for me. I was a little bent out of shape because we were hungry. They asked if I ordered it from their store and I said, Well, of course I did.

Then I sat down and thought for a minute. Looked at my phoney-phone-phone. Looked up the numbaroo I dialed. I guess I put the number for Pizza Hut in my phone when we were visiting California. Ordered a pizza two states away. Whoopsie! I didn't pick it up either!

A day

Miss him. He's gone to 4-H Pig School. I've been looking forward to him being gone so we could be free. Now he's gone and I'm somewhat miserable. What's this? A crack in my exterior?

Guess I'll hem my pants. I got some new tops. Here's one. I got the pink one. It's superly, duperly cute. I hope it washes well. I bought everything in a size large which is inch-wise one size too big, but everything fit. Some of the reviews said to buy one size up. I like those reviews. Sometimes they're pretty helpful. A lot of the dancewear does run small. If you have any actual curves you may burst the seams. I might cut off the sleeve ribbon. It's actually cute, but may be too muchy cutie for me. I do like off the shoulder stuff. Selena schooled me on a bunch of fashion tips and she said the fashion mag informed her that my build looks best in off the shoulder garments.

Saw about a dozen baby quail yesterday. A big batch.

I'm a little homesick and I'm the one at home.

I deleted the "Rockstar" by Prima J song from my list. Well, might keep the song because it cracks me up, but turned out the video is too jumpy for me. . . . Not in favor of the jumping.