Monday, November 03, 2014

I wrote that check for Sunday and I feel better!

Tonight it occurred to me that maybe I can make one post to store unhappy things in.  Mainly, things my father says.  Instead of keeping them in my heart where they ruin my mind and make me weepy and distressed, I will write them here and leave them sit.  And they can just rot on the internet and not in my brain.

11/3/14 Tonight he said, "What will he do if his younger brother (talking about my eldest) takes in more than he does?"  I said "Mmm hmmm (because nothing came to my mind except a question mark and I didn't know where he was going with such a remark).  Then he said, "You know how it feels."  Implying that my younger sister earns far more than I do, so okay, he already knew what he had in mind with that remark.  And I said, "Dad, I am happy.  I am content!  I have all that I need and much of what I want."  He said, "Oh, well you must have gotten that from me."  Um, what?

He said something about the Lord.  He was gently mocking me for my faith.

He told me I need to go get a shot for shingles and go get it done soon.  I said, "I can't promise anything."  Which is true.  I am not getting a shingles shot.  He kind of snickered like I'm an idiot.  I looked it up and the CDC has no recommendation for people age 50-59 and suggests it for age 60 and over. I'm 55. 

In September he said, "Ann says that people who don't have money don't deserve money."  I have no idea what his point was.  He said when he is gone everything goes to Ann.  I said, "I didn't expect anything, after all she is much younger than you."

I will store these here so in the future when I miss him and cry because I want him to love me, I can instead remember the weekly call which he ends with a sweet "Love you" after he cr*ps all over me.  I never use the word "cr*p" but I thought I'd try writing it because it fits.  I don't think I'll write it again.  It makes me feel worse.

Update 11/4/14:  Husband reminded me today that last week my dad was lamenting and blaming himself for how "he raised me wrong".  But we say I turned out fine!  My husband loves me.  And my sons love me.  I love them so much.  It's all that I need. And I remind myself I'm a child of God!  I am in Christ, and I am a new creation.

11/7/14 -  Referred to my college degree and asked me what have I done with it.

2/16 -  Have considered deleting this entire post.  He said I'm a bad mother. Then I told him I will not listen to him say hateful things about other members of the family and that I'm not going to listen to him using the 'f' word when calling his wife foul names.  So he said he feels like he can't talk to me.  Well, hallelujah!  Who needs all this negativity and unhappiness?  Not me. 

1/6/18 - Almost two years later.  I realize this entry deserves an update. Looking back, I see now that our dad was suffering from dementia probably for several years. In fact, it's clear to me as I reread this, that the entire blog entry supports that contention. My dad had a rough side that, like my mom, I never could bear up under. Since I was a child, he often just didn't know what to do with me. He wanted a daughter who fit in well, who was sociable, neither of which I ever fulfilled. Many people like the old adage "I'm the black sheep of the family." But I ain't no black sheep. The Lord says, "I lay my life down for the sheep." That means allll the sheep! Scripture doesn't specify black sheep, or white sheep, or tie-dyed sheep.  Terrible things happen in all families because people are broken, imperfect. Should we love each other less? No. We should love each other more. It doesn't mean that there aren't consequences to our actions. There are always consequences to our actions. But, glory to God. There is grace. Grace. Through the grace of God we don't have to suffer the consequences of our sin for eternity. But we do suffer the consequences here on earth. But I see now that I know my dad loved me and I know I loved him. 

I think there may be more to this. So many people my age are dealing with aging parents and nature the whole relationship mucks things up, stirs things up, in the human heart. Some of it good, some of it not. I think there's more here to be said - but I have arrived to this point just this afternoon. God is so good. We serve a great and mighty God.

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