I wrote that check for Sunday and I feel better!
Tonight it occurred to me that maybe I can make one post to store unhappy things in. Mainly, things my father says. Instead of keeping them in my heart where they ruin my mind and make me weepy and distressed, I will write them here and leave them sit. And they can just rot on the internet and not in my brain.
11/3/14 Tonight he said, "What will he do if his younger brother (talking about my eldest) takes in more than he does?" I said "Mmm hmmm (because nothing came to my mind except a question mark and I didn't know where he was going with such a remark). Then he said, "You know how it feels." Implying that my younger sister earns far more than I do, so okay, he already knew what he had in mind with that remark. And I said, "Dad, I am happy. I am content! I have all that I need and much of what I want." He said, "Oh, well you must have gotten that from me." Um, what?
He said something about the Lord. He was gently mocking me for my faith.
He told me I need to go get a shot for shingles and go get it done soon. I said, "I can't promise anything." Which is true. I am not getting a shingles shot. He kind of snickered like I'm an idiot. I looked it up and the CDC has no recommendation for people age 50-59 and suggests it for age 60 and over. I'm 55.
In September he said, "Ann says that people who don't have money don't deserve money." I have no idea what his point was. He said when he is gone everything goes to Ann. I said, "I didn't expect anything, after all she is much younger than you."
I will store these here so in the future when I miss him and cry because I want him to love me, I can instead remember the weekly call which he ends with a sweet "Love you" after he cr*ps all over me. I never use the word "cr*p" but I thought I'd try writing it because it fits. I don't think I'll write it again. It makes me feel worse when I even think it.
Update 11/4/14: Husband reminded me today that last week my dad was lamenting and blaming himself for how "he raised me wrong". But I turned out fine. My husband loves me a lot. And my sons do too. I love them too. I remind myself I'm a child of God! I am in Christ, and I am a new creation.
11/7/14 - And he referred to my college degree and asked what have I done with it.
2/16 - Have considered deleting this topic. He said I'm a bad mother because our son fails to thank him for gifts, and it's my fault. For goodness sakes, then don't give him any more gifts! I said. Then I told him I will not listen to him say hateful things about other people and I'm not going to listen to him using the 'f' word or calling his wife foul names. So he said he feels like he can't talk to me. Well, hallelujah! Who needs all this negativity and unhappiness spoken to them. Not me.